I can usually separate the emails I receive from wives whose husbands have just left into two camps: those who had advance warning and suspected that this day might one day come, and those who were caught completely off guard and left in a state of shock. disbelief. Yesterday I received an email from one of those wives. She was completely shocked and said her husband’s departure “came out of nowhere.” She thought her marriage was good enough. Sure, they had their problems like everyone else and yes, things had been a bit tense lately, but she believed they would just work it out like they always had in the past.

He was having trouble processing his departure and coming up with a plan for what to do next. She did not want to end her marriage and viewed doing so as the worst case scenario and the last resort. But, she had no idea how to approach him, since her departure spoke volumes about how she felt about herself. In the next article, I’ll describe how I told her to better handle this situation in light of her desire to save her marriage (when she was the only one who wanted to at the time).

Being proactive vs reactive: It is absolutely normal and understandable to be devastated and react strongly in this situation. But I warn you to try to moderate yourself when she is around her or talking to her husband. It’s okay to detach with her friends or family. It’s perfectly understandable to walk across the floor until you’re naked. But, don’t let her husband witness this. Her goal at this point should be to encourage him to feel negative feelings while he is away from you (about the situation, not about you), while he feels positive feelings when he thinks of you. This is the combination of feelings that will make you want to come home.

So, as angry as you are and as tempting as it is to demand answers or yell how selfish this is of him, try to control these things or at least tone them down. It’s okay to tell him that this has hurt you deeply, and that ultimately you hope it will work out with your marriage still intact. It’s not okay (at least if you want to save your marriage) to proclaim that you can’t live without him or give him an ultimatum or question him.

Sure, you deserve answers, but you’re more likely to get them if you approach him trying to figure this out to see if you can fix it together instead of demanding answers so you can discuss this with him and eventually change. his mind. Honestly, the sooner he can sort through his feelings and come to a place of calm so he can formulate a rational plan, the better off he’ll be.

Allow your strength, dignity and self-respect to manifest:You always have to keep in mind what men generally find attractive. A wife who is not self-sufficient and who depends on them for her own happiness and survival will feel very stifling after a while. I have husbands in this situation who write to me and often describe a wife who is literally stalking them: constantly calling, showing up at their work, following them around, acting completely sweet for a second and then, in the blink of an eye, turning completely angry. . This is a huge turn off and this behavior just makes the husband want to stay away.

Conversely, if she is able to harness her quiet strength and confidence and can present herself as a strong, respectful woman who is able to take care of herself (even though she would rather have her husband), this will often make a husband takes a break. And, to take it a step further, I often tell women to wait a few days and then tell their husbands that although they were initially devastated, after some time to think about it, they decided that some time apart might be good for both of them. . good. Now, I’m not telling you to imply that you’re going to do something you’ll both regret. You are welcome. However, sometimes it is helpful for her husband to know that she is not sitting around waiting in vain for him to return. He needs to know that you’re perfectly capable of going on and picking up the pieces without him, even though you’d want him with you if you had that option.

Knowing when the time is right to broach the subject of his comeback: If you don’t remember anything else from this article, I’d like you to remember this. Always force yourself to move slower than you want. The best scenario for her is to show her husband her strengths, her dignity and her best qualities during this break. Often when you act opposite to what he expects, he becomes curious and starts contacting you and initiating more time together. Don’t cross the line and let your guard down or fall back on old behaviors. It’s much better to let him come to you. When he does, don’t start asking him where he’s taking him or pressuring him to re-engage. If he does, it will ring the alarm bells that he has been manipulating you all along. Let him be the one to ask you if he can come back. This is really the only way to make sure that his heart is in it and that he is truly as committed to saving the marriage as you are.