Before you start selecting marriage counselors to help you save your marriage, you MUST consider the potential drawbacks of marriage counseling so you can get all the facts straight FIRST. This article will help you avoid making a costly mistake that could not only set you back financially…but also cost you your marriage.
In July 1999, at a conference for professional marriage counselors, a credible marriage counselor named Dr. William J. Doherty gave a shocking report on the state of marriage counseling to his fellow professionals.
According to Doherty, most marriage counseling is DANGEROUS, it doesn’t help your marriage.
American-style therapy-based marriage counseling (practiced by most marriage counselors) can actually do more HARM than good in your marriage.
However, all hope is NOT lost for the growing number of couples in distress. THERE ARE more effective alternatives to marriage counseling – they are so effective that even professional marriage counselors are admitting that couples need MARRIAGE EDUCATION more than marriage therapy.
In June 1999, USA Today reported that, “Even fans of marriage counseling are saying disturbing things. Research shows that it isn’t working as well as we thought and might not last.” That report reinforces research showing that the vast majority of marriage counselors who do therapy have not had any formal training.
This research further documented that two years after couples went through marriage counseling, 25% of couples were WORSE than before starting therapy.
Up to 38% of them divorced.
Perhaps what is even more shocking is the fact that the therapists who actually work with COUPLES are in the minority.
80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the US say they do marriage therapy, yet only 12% have a profession that requires them to take EVEN ONE course on dealing with couples.
If you ask marriage counselors about their approach, the vast majority will tell you that they find working with individuals much more “productive” than working with couples.
Dr. William J. Doherty stated, “Couples therapy is the most difficult therapy of all because each session begins with the threat of divorce.”
After training marriage counselors for a living, in his 1999 speech at the conference for professional marriage counselors, Dr. Doherty called marriage counselors’ methods “dangerous to marital health.”
He laid out four ways that marriage counselors have produced DESTRUCTIVE results in marriages.
According to Doherty, there are four ways marriage counselors can do more harm than good in your marriage…
1. For being incompetent
2. Being neutral
3. By pathologizing (telling you why your marriage is “sick”)
4. Undermining too much (trying to break up the marriage)
INCOMPETENT: In the case of incompetent marriage counselors, the counselor has not been trained to work with couples together. They think working with two people is an expanded version of working with one, but it’s not. An individual is easy to listen to, but a struggling couple is not. Working with couples requires skill, structure, and a very different approach than individual therapy.
NEUTRAL: These marriage counselors, Doherty says, are by no means neutral about marriage. When a counselor appears to be neutral but actually sides with the more selfish spouse, he is undermining the marriage. “When a counselor uses the language of individual self-interest, he undermines the moral commitment owed to marriage.” Doherty stated.
PATHOLOGIZE: Pathologize is when marriage counselors build a case insisting that the couple is in a “sick” relationship. In fact, they ENCOURAGE couples to divorce by saying things like, “Why SHOULD you put up with it? Why be a victim?” These marriage counselors make couples believe they are being abused, causing both partners to draw their only conclusion: “If the professional thinks this is over, I should be too.”
UNDERMINING: While telling couples what to do goes against the American Marriage and Family Therapy Association’s code of ethics, many therapists still do it. These therapists say things like, “You should probably end this marriage.” or, “If you’re going to stay sane, you should move.” Undermining therapists urge husbands and wives to break their relationships with family members and spouses.
If you’re looking for a good marriage counselor, Dr. Doherty urges you to ask questions first. Learn about the therapists’ values by asking questions like these:
1. Are you self-taught, have you received training in workshops or have university studies in working with couples?
Bad answer: College education.
Good answer: Self-taught or workshop-trained and they speak convincingly about how their program saves marriages.
2. What is your attitude about saving a troubled marriage vs. help a couple break up?
Poor response: “Not my decision. Couples have to make their own decision.” (This is an evasive answer… not a good sign).
Good answer: “I help couples find ways to stay together and I help them understand and overcome their problems.”
3. What is your position when one spouse wants to stay and the other wants to divorce?
Bad response: “I try to make people understand their own feelings.” (This is a focus on the individual, NOT the couple.)
Good answer: “This is usually what I see with couples. I have ways to help both of you handle this in a positive way.”
4. What percentage of your practice involves both husband and wife?
Bad answer: “I think working with husbands and wives individually is more practical.”
Good answer: “Everything. When both people are with me and follow my process, I find they have the highest success rate.”
5. Of all the couples you treat, what percentage stay married and end up having a better marriage?
Bad answer: “100%” or “I don’t keep that kind of information.”
Good answer: About 70-80% stay happily married, while the rest leave my process and are not willing to finish it.
The difference in the responses you get from marriage counselors is the feeling you get when you talk to them. Bad answers feel evasive or vague, while good answers are confident and positive.
Now that you know the right questions to ask, you can confidently evaluate marriage counselors, sorting out the GOOD from the bad. But if he’s hesitant to bring a marriage counselor into his marriage, as Dr. Doherty suggested, marriage education might be the answer he’s looking for.
