What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is much more common than physical or sexual abuse.
Most emotional abuse is verbal. Racial slurs, name calling, derogatory comments, and threats are overt examples of explicit emotional abuse, but it is far more common for them to be covered up and concealed in more common interpersonal exchanges. Many times the damage is done by the tone of voice and the verbal emphasis… for example comments made in a derogatory or accusatory tone. Depending on the intensity and duration of the experience, it is capable of creating harmful and lasting behavioral and attitude changes in the victim.
Overt and covert verbal abuse
In explicit verbal abuse, anger, hatred, or contempt are usually very evident. In covert emotional abuse, anger and hate are silenced or appear to be absent. Covert abuse is usually delivered without overt anger or yelling. The tone of voice may seem normal, but to those who listen carefully, a trace of criticism or scorn can usually be heard. The motives that drive covert abuse are often the desire to manipulate, embarrass, or punish the other.
Some of the more subtle forms of covert abuse include: “withholding,” “discounting,” “verbal abuse described as pranks,” “blocking and diverting,” “trivialization,” and “undermining.” The perpetrator may communicate in a vague, confused, or ambiguous manner. When the victim misinterprets or misinterprets these communications, she is unfairly, but hurtfully, criticized or dismissed for being inattentive, lazy, selfish, stupid, uninformed, etc.
Recognize two VERY common types of emotional abuse
gaslighting
In verbal gaslighting, as in the 1944 film of the same name, the perpetrator attempts to make the victim doubt her own perceptions and judgments and accept those of the abuser. This can be done intentionally or unconsciously, but when the victim loses confidence in her own judgment, she is easily swayed and accepts the perpetrator’s point of view, plan, or decision.
Since cumulative emotional trauma creates psychological damage much more often than single traumatic incidents, when gaslighting is repetitive and intense, overall mental health can suffer and growing self-doubt can lead to an emotional breakdown or even death. suicide of the victim.
the double whammy
In double whammy, two emotionally hurtful or insulting comments are made, separated by a communication (usually a protest) from the victim. The second abusive comment is usually an attack on the victim’s response. “Of course you would say that… You always play the victim.” The first comment hurts and embarrasses and the second invalidates the protest or denies the hurtful nature of the first comment:
“I was just kidding… you have no sense of humor”
“You are too sensitive”
The second comment from the perpetrator is often a form of gaslighting.
Ruined relationships, ruined lives
When these abusive tactics are experienced from childhood, it is difficult to grow into a confident and competent adult. Repeated undermining and repeal create pervasive feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and depression that make living a happy and effective life more difficult.
These verbal attacks destabilize the victim creating lasting anxiety, shame, fear and guilt. Ultimately, these behaviors destroy trust, love, or camaraderie between intimate or social partners.
how do we learn it
American men have often been inadvertently taught to use speech to dominate others. Sons learn this by watching their fathers and other male role models. Girls follow the example of their mothers and other female role models who, especially in the past, have tended to minimize, excuse, ignore, or dismiss pervasive abuse directed at them.
Feeling inferior, seeking help…
Most perpetrators and many victims are unaware (or only partially or temporarily) that these interactions are abusive. When they are effective, the victim may genuinely believe that their thinking or decision-making is inferior, incorrect, or based on unacceptable premises. The feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness that lead many people to seek psychological help for their “weakness” often have deep roots in early experience of emotional abuse.
an everyday occurrence
Unfortunately, since this subtle but hurtful form of abuse is part of our culturally sanctioned pattern of social interaction, most of us will commit it at one time or another. When unconscious, unintentional, or infrequent, it can be considered “psychological defense”…an attempt to verbally control another in order to feel powerful or secure enough.
But since these behaviors are so ubiquitous, it would be well for each of us to examine our own behavior and resolve to purge these unfortunately common and hurtful verbal habits from our interactions. We must be less willing to silently tolerate emotional abuse and must be alert, aware, and receptive when it is directed at us…or at others in our presence.
