take off your toes
o Moments that define power
How often you or others rant about how someone has violated your space. The woman who has been touched inappropriately. The boy who yells, “leave me alone.” The person hovering too close, as if sucking you and your energy.
These moments often turn ugly before it’s over. They don’t need to, but they often do. Why? They often become vile because the person whose space has been invaded does not recognize the moments or incidents for what they are.
And what is that? They are often (not always) what can be thought of as “Take your toes off!” times. it’s a dance. Your partner in this dance just stepped on your toes. Quickly, without contemplating or analyzing his reasons for stepping on you, you push him back or tell him unequivocally to get up. And that’s the end of it, with your partner now on high alert that you don’t like being stepped on.
Unfortunately, many of these moments go unnoticed or are labeled for something much worse. “He is a dirty old man.” “She is a busybody.” And soon things get more and more awkward with no one saying anything, or feelings go underground, only to surface when there’s an audience.
From the outside, these were “wake-up” moments, where the victim could have simply said the behavior was inappropriate. Instead, the moment was passed over with frozen politeness or fear of doing the wrong thing. Often the person stepping on the toes has the biggest “pump”. He/she could negatively affect something you want or think you need. Do you remember the law of the least attachment? Is it his inability to say, “Get off my toes!” attached to something you think you need or want?
In order to be “nonconfrontational,” we often unintentionally help create situations that escalate because we don’t know how to defend our own boundaries. And to be totally honest, we are often afraid of losing something that we think has value to us on our journey.
If you’re hesitating to say, “Get off me!” when it matters, you too are responsible for this awkward dance. If you are allowing something abhorrent to yourself for something you could gain or lose, you have made an unequivocal statement about what your values really are. Freedom is not free.
Be very clear. This is not tolerating the bad behavior of the other. It’s about recognizing when you relinquish your power.
Too often we are completely unable to simply set our limits and moments grow like the sea monster that is larger with each count of the moment.
Please indicate your preference. Risk the loss attached to your freedom. Never look back. You have no idea what other paths open up because you made a decision. It may not be what you planned or wanted, but always a redirected path that may ultimately serve you better than you thought you wanted. This is a late chapter because you must already accept that detachment means letting go.
Tell the dirty old man to “stop doing it”! Tell the admin who is denying your boss access that it’s not his job to do so, and it’s HIS job to keep you (your boss) informed.
In other words, accept that bullies exist. You know when you are being abused. Do not let that happen.
You may be thinking, “Easy to say.” If so, think differently.
Observe others who do not abuse. Have they lost things they loved? Of course they have. People will always use their power to get what they want. Some people will take the hits and express their values by showing what they are willing to lose. Others will become victims.
Forget worrying about whether it’s fair. it’s not. Until we miraculously evolve, we’ll have others get away with abusing power. Make decisions based on what you know is good or bad for your psychological well-being. Tell people to get up when it is appropriate to do so and yell for help when you need it. KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!
Cheat sheet:
- When someone is suggesting or maneuvering you into doing something you don’t want to do, try saying, “Please be specific. I’m not sure I understand exactly what you’re asking me to do.” It’s amazing how many people don’t want to reveal to themselves how vile their desire is by saying it out loud.
- Practicing saying “No thanks.” to stupid or exacting demands. Again, it’s a way of forcing a person to be specific with what they want. He will feel compelled to say out loud what the consequence will be for not responding. Much easier to fight them when they have vocalized the real threat.
- Again, because specificity is such a powerful tool for bringing out slime, you can try, “Let me be clear… are you saying that if I don’t ______, you will _____? Odds are relatively good.” that they do it.” they deny it and are hesitant to ask again for what they want.
