The other day, I received a very heartfelt email from a woman who didn’t know what else to do to save her relationship of 3 years. She and her boyfriend had been very happy and things were going well until one night the woman had too much to drink and she had a one-night stand with an ex-boyfriend who was back in town for a short time.
The girlfriend was deeply sorry about this and told me that she would do anything to make amends and get her boyfriend back (whom she called “the love of my life”). She had no contact with the person she cheated on her with and she had no intention of doing so. She insisted that the other boy meant absolutely nothing to her and that her heart was breaking that she had screwed things up like that.
She asked my advice on how she could make her boyfriend see that this was a one-time thing that would never happen again. She wanted him to believe that he was the only one she wanted and that she would do everything in her power to make him right. He wanted my advice on how he could “get it back”. I will tell you what I told him in the following article.
Getting your boyfriend back when you were the one who cheated on him: The first thing I did was warn the bride that it would probably take time. She had to put herself in her place. He had put three years of himself and his life into a relationship he trusted, but now he had just discovered that things were not what they seemed. When I told this to the girlfriend, she replied, “Well that’s not exactly true because this one night stand meant nothing to me. I don’t love him any less and I didn’t love him back then. It was just a mistake. But I had nothing to do with how much I love him.”
I asked the bride to consider if the roles were reversed. Would she buy this explanation if her boyfriend had cheated on her? Wouldn’t she be traumatized over and over again by imagining her boyfriend cheating on her with her old girlfriend? She had to admit that this would be heartbreaking for her. I then asked her if she would be able to “get over” this abruptly. What if, despite her love for her boyfriend, she could calm those voices and doubts that were surely in her head and then immediately trust again?
She admitted that she probably couldn’t do this right away. However, this is exactly what she was asking for and hoping she would do as her boyfriend. This was certainly not fair. She had to understand how deeply painful and shocking this really was for her boyfriend. She would probably need a lot of patience. And this patience was a small price to pay for her mistake. She was willing to do this because she really loved her boyfriend, she was very sorry and sincere when she said that this would never happen again.
Still, he really wanted her to explore if there were any issues she didn’t want to admit, even to herself. She rarely buys into the fact that cheating is not an indicator of a problem that needs to be addressed. This may well be an individual problem rather than a couple problem. But whether it was a lack of self-esteem, a need for validation, or a problem with the relationship, it was very important to make sure there wasn’t something lurking below the surface. It’s not fair to beg your boyfriend to forgive you if there’s a problem that’s going to ensure you hurt him again.
Showing him that you are still there, no matter what: I often tell people that getting a boyfriend back after cheating often involves repeating acts that show you are sincere and trustworthy over and over again. He won’t believe you at first. Pain will prevent him from being as receptive as you would like. You have to be willing to accept this and allow him to go at his own pace. Truly, if you love him as much as you say, then this shouldn’t be much of a sacrifice.
Restoring their confidence should be one of your biggest concerns. You need to make it very clear that you will be there for as long as it takes until he is ready to move on and that you will not push or pressure him. There should be no doubt that it is your fault and that you are willing to take full responsibility for your actions and clean up the mess your actions caused. Never suggest that he is to blame or that he is lacking in some way. His goal is to allow you to maintain his dignity and self-respect. It should be made very clear that none of this is his fault and that it all rests on your shoulders.
Ultimately, this should go at their pace, not yours. Your goal is to hope that, in time, he’ll see your sincerity and remorse and decide that it’s better to be with you than without you. All you can really do here is express what is in your heart and what is the truth. You can’t control if he chooses to believe this. It is his choice. But you can make it clear that you will be there when he makes this choice, that you love him, and that you hope the election gives you a second chance.
