I recently heard from a wife who told me that she could literally feel her husband slipping away from her. She said in part, “I know I’m losing him. I can feel it. He just doesn’t seem that interested in me or the marriage anymore. I feel like any day now, he’s going to tell me he wants a separation or a divorce. Most Most of the time he ignores me or avoids me. But when I ask him what is wrong and what can I do, he denies that he has a problem when it is obvious that he does. How can I save my marriage when I know I am losing it, especially when not even admit that we have a problem?

I understood how this wife felt. You can feel very helpless when you feel like he and the marriage are slipping away from you. And it’s even worse when he doesn’t help you fix it. In the following article, I will offer some suggestions on how to deal with this situation.

Determine how likely it is that you will actually lose it: As I mentioned, this is a situation that can cause a high level of anxiety. Some husbands in this situation will tell me that their wife is “reaching out” or she is seeing things that are not there. Also, I sometimes hear from husbands who tell me that while it’s definitely marital problems, they don’t plan on packing their bags and leaving tomorrow (although the wife makes assumptions to that effect).

When fear takes hold of us, we can be so afraid of losing our marriage that we almost brace ourselves and accept that this is going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. We accept this as inevitable when it certainly doesn’t have to be. Instead of taking real action, we find ourselves in prevention mode, almost waiting for our shoe to drop.

I would never tell you to ignore what you feel. Often these little sinking feelings are based on at least some form of reality. But sometimes this situation feels so dire and immediate that we make assumptions that lead to an ending that maybe didn’t have to happen.

As much as possible, try to put fear aside and look at the situation objectively. Ask yourself what things contribute most to her fear of losing her husband. Do either of you no longer find marriage satisfying? Is the closeness or intimacy gone? Is there a problem you’re avoiding or just can’t solve? It is important to understand the things that contribute most to this so that you can address them. Ignoring the problem or simply hoping it will go away is often a risky proposition.

Focus on a plan instead of your fears: It’s so easy to fall prey to all those “what ifs” that feel like they’re imminent. Unfortunately, this can scatter your focus when what you really need is hyperfocus. Instead of dwelling on what may or may not happen, or continue to question your husband and get the same resistance or responses, consider taking decisive action so that at least you feel empowered or that she is doing something.

Many wives in this situation tell me they don’t know where to begin to save their marriage. This is especially true when her husband is not forthcoming about how he feels or what he wants. Admittedly, this poses a challenge, but I can tell you that often in this situation, intimacy and bonding are at stake. In my experience and my opinion, there is often a distance and a lack of connection that did not exist before. If you can focus on this and start modifying the plan as more information comes in (and you can process your husband’s reactions), this is a good place to start.

You don’t necessarily have to save your marriage tomorrow, but you can work right away to reestablish the connection. Take things slow and try to keep things lighthearted. Try to focus on those things that generate positive reactions instead of negative ones.

Keep an eye on your terminology: Sometimes I cringe when wives tell me they are “losing” their husband. I have also said this sentence, but it almost implies a lack of control, or as if you have nothing to say about the outcome. I’m also not sure you can “lose” a husband like you would an everyday object like a watch. At the end of the day, people leave marriages because they are not happy within them. Understanding this is vital to taking decisive action.

Sometimes I see wives who watch this process as it unfolds and then watch and wait in fear. This can be a risky plan. It is my opinion that there is less risk in taking some well-planned action aimed at addressing what is really wrong rather than simply hoping for the best while fearing the worst. Until you can do that, reestablishing a joyous connection is a good place to start.