People sometimes come to me when they have cheated on their spouse and are looking for some strategy that will allow them to get their spouse back or help talk their spouse out of ending the marriage. Many believe that they have tried a number of different strategies that seem to make no difference to their spouse.
A wife might say, “I know my husband really doesn’t want to end our marriage, but his anger at me cheating on him is more important to him than what he really wants. I understand why he’s angry with me. I deserve it.” her anger. I would also be furious with myself. I have been very sorry and begged him not to break up our family. This almost seems to make him angrier. He says that he shouldn’t be begging and going on now. He says it’s too late for that. Recently, I have decided to try another strategy with him. I know from experience that my husband does not respond well to any pity strategy. His mother often tries this on him and makes him mad at his mother. So I tried to take the opposite tact and addressed him directly and matter-of-factly. I told him that I had told him that he was sorry repeatedly and that he wasn’t sure what else to do. do. I told him that we all make mistakes and that he hasn’t been perfect in our marriage either. that he needed to move on because if he ends our family because of a mistake, then he’s just as guilty as I am. I told him that he was not going to keep begging him to give me another chance forever. I was hoping this reverse psychology strategy would turn things around, but it didn’t. He basically said he could phrase it however he wanted, but he wasn’t going to forgive me for cheating. The thing is, this reverse psychology has worked for him in other aspects of our marriage. So I’m not sure what to do now. I’m starting to think this is hopeless.”
Well, I’m not sure something is useless, but I might have some ideas for you as to why your strategy isn’t well received. As a spouse who has been cheated on, I can tell you that if my husband tried “tough love” or “reverse psychology” on me, it would have made me very angry. And this would certainly have made me less likely to want to hear what he had to say, let alone forgive him.
I understand why you feel like you are almost compelled to try different things. You want to make some progress. You want to see him respond positively to something. Therefore, you are willing to try several different things to see if one of those things might give you a positive reaction. I understand why you are doing this.
But what you have to understand is that your spouse is suffering. Your spouse is struggling. And then if you come in with an attitude that suggests they just need to get over it, you won’t win them over. It doesn’t imply that you’re really sorry for what you did. Insinuate that you’re sorry they don’t get over it faster. He hints that he cares more about the time frame than his healing.
If you really want to get back on good terms with your spouse, this is not the way to do it, in my opinion. I can tell you that what finally sold me on my husband was seeing his sincerity repeated from him. He was willing to go to counseling. He was willing to take responsibility for his actions. He didn’t blame me for anything. He was infinitely patient. His concern was more for my ability to heal than for his ability to be forgiven.
To put it bluntly, your concern should be your spouse. Not how quickly things can go back to normal. Not how fast you can get your spouse to do what he wants them to do. But how can you help them heal.
Your spouse knows the difference. Your spouse can sense when you care about him or when you care about yourself. I’m not saying this to be harsh. I am trying to give you information that is going to be beneficial to everyone. When he tries to pressure his spouse into moving on before he’s ready, he’s doing no one any favors. Their marriage won’t be on a solid foundation if he tries to get over it quickly.
The best strategy is to show your spouse that you’re in it for life. And that you know that they deserve to have a solid marriage based on trust and respect. You are not showing respect for them if you try to force or pressure them with reverse psychology. Showing respect means you don’t care about the timeline or yourself. You care about them. Because they will know if you don’t.
