Whenever we react to someone or something, we can often spend a lot of negative energy arguing, defending, explaining, or convincing. Instead, wouldn’t it be much more satisfying to put that energy into standing up for ourselves and our own needs? Certainly when you are going through a divorce or dealing with any family law issue, it is much more productive and rewarding to focus your energy on rebuilding positive family connections and meeting your own needs rather than reacting negatively to your spouse, your attorney, or legal authority. system. The former empowers you while the latter makes you a victim.
Some suggestions for defending yourself during the divorce process or when facing a family law problem:
1. It is important to remember that when we focus on someone else’s perceived shortcomings, we are likely neglecting ourselves. If you notice that you have a strong negative reaction to someone or something, you may wonder what you have been avoiding or not dealing with in your own life. For example, you may not have talked to your mother in many years after an explosive argument and fight. You also often find yourself exploding with your children, your ex, or anyone or anything around you. Sure, you can justify your outbursts, but why don’t you explore the anger you haven’t expressed towards your mother by keeping silent all these years? This is just an example. The point is that you could try to identify any areas of your life that you have been perpetually avoiding or putting off. This will put the focus on yourself and your own needs, which in turn will likely reduce the need to focus on someone else’s perceived shortcomings.
2. Identify specific actions you can take to defend yourself. For example, in the example above, you could write a letter to your mother fully expressing your feelings. You will most likely find that your frequent outbursts with those around you just disappear. After identifying the areas you’ve been avoiding, you can try making a list of specific, concrete actions you can take to deal with the area manager in a positive and productive way.
3. Communicate your feelings and needs in a productive (rather than destructive) way that produces positive results. For example, maybe your parents or former in-laws are driving you crazy by constantly telling you how to raise your children. Instead of reacting by defending or arguing with them, you can defend yourself by telling them calmly and assertively that you appreciate their concern as your children’s grandparents and trust that you have a parenting style that always has your children’s best interests at heart.
Specifically, in divorce negotiations, the goal is generally to reach a global agreement with terms that are beneficial to both parties. Therefore, at the beginning of negotiations, it is important for both you and your spouse (along with your attorneys) to identify specific values and goals. This will reduce the chance that both energy and money will be spent reacting to each other’s behavior, which unfortunately can keep you polarized and disconnected from standing up for yourself.
