Some children have no problem. They start school and instantly have a gang: a best friend, birthday party invitations, play dates, sleepovers. For other children, the social aspects of school can be difficult. Sometimes this is because the child has a diagnosis of Asperger’s disorder, autism, or attention deficit / hyperactivity disorder, and sometimes the child is simply shy. As a therapist with years of experience working in schools, I have seen how difficult the school day can be if a child hasn’t figured out how to make and keep friends. I know there are simple steps that you, as a parent, can take to help make your child’s friendship easier.

1. Talk about it

The first step is to talk to your child and make sure there really is a problem. Some children are more introverted than others and need a lot of alone time. Not all kids want to be the class president or the most popular student. But all children need to learn to get along with their peers, work in groups, and have satisfying social interactions. Try to talk about friendship with your child and set a realistic goal, such as a couple of friends, an occasional play date, or someone to have lunch with.

2. Get to know the other parents

Other parents are your best resource. A kind father can help pave the way for his own son by introducing him to the gang and inviting him to play. Also, parents may not feel comfortable extending or accepting invitations to children when they do not know the parents. Usually parents of young children will be waiting together at school as it is released. For even the most introverted parents, this can be a straightforward, straightforward place to meet people and a great opportunity to allow for some free play after school. Try to arrive a little early, smile and be sociable, and let your child have free time with his classmates. For older kids, see if you can volunteer at the school and meet the other parents there.

3. Try joining groups

Find a group that your child can be a part of, whether it’s scouts, drama, an after-school class, or a sports team. This new environment can allow your child’s special abilities to shine through in ways that they don’t in the classroom. It is also a new opportunity for you to meet other parents. One advantage is that the entire team is often invited to a pizza party or camping trip. Of course, if the family is invited, you should do your best to attend as well, even if your own introverted nature makes it difficult.

4. Work on social skills

This brings us to the next point, social skills. When your child plays after school or at the pizza party, you have the perfect opportunity to see him interact. Is your child bossy, clingy, whiny, or difficult in other ways? Public places are not ideal for discussing the problems you see. Wait until you get home and then talk to your child, setting the friendship goals that you have already set. If you see major issues with social skills, you may want to address this further in a social skills group.

5. Pay attention to appearance

Your child may not care about his appearance, and you may admire his independent spirit. Unfortunately, the other children may not be as open. If friendships are affected, some degree of compliance may be a commitment that you are willing to make. Take a look at the other kids at school. Does your child stand out from the rest of the class? You don’t have to bow down to fashion and buy the fanciest, most expensive clothes, but maybe a simple move away from the too-short pants and oversized bright sweatshirt will help your kid get in on the gang. Also pay attention to hygiene and personal habits. Behavior that is okay in kindergarten can be a social death sentence in high school.

6. Beware of being too different

Your kid may be bright, unique, and know all about comets, and you can see how charming he is, but the truth is, other kids may think he’s weird. Don’t think your child has to give up his special interests and talents. Instead, try supplementing these areas with something more universally accepted. Sit down as a family and watch popular TV shows or watch a blockbuster movie. School is similar to your office, where everyone talks about the Super Bowl or the presidential primaries. At school, your child will find it easier if they’ve been to the school carnival or watched the latest episode of Hannah Montana.

7. Take the step: invite someone

For more reserved parents, the idea of ​​a child’s playdate can be a bit overwhelming. But it is an important step, because it helps move the friendship out of the realm of “school friends.” If your child hasn’t had play dates before, relax. No need to structure activities or entertain children. Discuss in advance what activities your child would like to do with a friend and then try to get out of the box. As a backup, set up some simple projects in case things don’t go well, like a simple craft project or a movie to watch on TV. You may want to set up a private signal to use with your child if you need to correct your child’s behavior.

8. A special friend

Sometimes all it takes is a special friend. If your child can make just one friend, that will make it easier for him during the school day. You will have a project partner and someone to have lunch with. Bullies will generally pick a solo target rather than a pair. For many children, a friend is enough.

9. Encourage more than one friend

That said, a friend can be a problem. Depending on the situation, your child may be demanding too much from his lonely friend. Watch for signs that the best friend is feeling overwhelmed. This can take the form of your child’s complaints that the best friend invited someone else to stay over or they would not have lunch together as usual. This shouldn’t mean the end of the friendship. It just tells your child to move around a bit and socialize with a few other children.

10. If all else fails

If these simple steps don’t help, don’t despair! There are many other options. The teacher can step in and help your child. Many teachers will deliberately set up tables and workgroups to help shy children socialize. Find a social skills group by talking to the principal or searching online. Therapists and other mental health professionals can work through the basics with you and your child.

Finally, progress takes time. Your child doesn’t have to get there all at once and things can get easier as your child matures. The group dynamics of each class will be different. Middle school may offer more children to choose from so your child can find a group to fit in. Keep pushing yourself and trying new things.