I often hear from wives who are still in shock that their husband, seemingly out of the blue, announced that he wants a divorce or separation because he doesn’t feel like an equal partner in the marriage. Sometimes he has hinted at or complained about this problem for a long time and it has finally gotten to the point where he wants to take some action. Other times, this is the first time the wife has heard of this topic and she is a little stunned and unsure how to proceed.

I recently heard from a wife who said, “Last week my husband came home and told me he wanted out of our marriage, I didn’t see that coming. When I asked him what was making him so unhappy, he said no. I don’t feel like I respect him.” and appreciate enough. I’ve heard this from him before, but I never thought I’d take it to this level. I have a very stressful job and he doesn’t. I make more money than he does. So sometimes I have to stay late after work. work or go on the weekends. As a result, sometimes he has to pick up the slack and cook or take care of the kids. Obviously, he’s been resenting this all along because now he tells me I don’t treat him as an equal partner in our marriage. He says I don’t realize he has feelings and talents too. He says in my eyes it’s all about me and I never brag about him or seem to appreciate him. In fact, he told me I treat him like the hired help. I told him I would never want him to feel this was. and that, starting today, he would make a very conscious effort to do better. Because I appreciate and respect it. But he says it’s too little too late. He says that I give him the impression that he is not good enough for me and that he cannot live that way anymore. He says that he wants to feel like the father of his children instead of his babysitter. He announced that he had found a lawyer and that he would soon get the paperwork. Now what? How do I respond to this? I respect and appreciate my husband. How can I show him this before he actually divorces me?”

This is a difficult situation, but it is not uncommon. Many women in today’s economy are more successful and earn more than their husbands. And even though the wife didn’t even mention this or make a big deal about it, her husband felt second best. This is common when the husband has to take on a supportive role with the household or children. It is very easy to assume that her husband is adjusting well and accepting her role when he actually feels slighted and unappreciated. One of the most troubling issues here was that the husband had only dropped small clues along the way. Sure, he would sometimes tell his wife that he felt taken for granted, but he never made it sound like a big deal. So, as a result, the wife took no action and the husband felt that he had to do something really dramatic (like ask for a divorce) to get her attention.

Make your husband understand that you respect and appreciate him: Of course, the wife was now in a position where she had to catch up. And there was a real risk that the husband would think that she was just saying or doing things to get back on the same page with the husband and that things could continue as they are now. It is very important that he believes that you are absolutely sincere in showing him the respect and appreciation that he deserves.

How do you do this? By paying attention to everything he does and then verbalizing and doing little things to show him that you really notice and appreciate him. You could verbally thank him or even do something to lighten his load. Maybe you volunteer to take away a chore or chore so he can go play basketball with his friends or do something else he enjoys. Encourage him to pursue his own dreams because he may be frustrated to see you chasing your dreams while he is not because he is trying to pick up the slack. As he becomes more pleased with himself, he is less likely to feel resentful and unappreciated.

The worst thing you can do is minimize his feelings, tell him he’s exaggerating, or downplay his need for recognition and validation. And one of the best things you can do is brag about him and praise him in front of you and his friends. You want her to feel invaluable.

What if I do my best to make him feel respected and appreciated and he still wants out and goes through with the divorce: In that case, you may need to accept that the process may take longer than you originally appreciated or expected. I may suspect that you’re telling me what I want to hear so that I cancel the divorce. So, it is quite possible that he still does not trust or believe you. This is why you absolutely must make sure that your actions are in line with your words. People can and do say anything when faced with divorce that they don’t want.

But over time, as you keep saying the same things to him and continue to show him your appreciation and respect, he’ll be more likely to believe what you say and act on it. I know that things can be difficult when you become cold and distant. In that case, you have to take advantage of those little moments and those little opportunities to show him that you really know, understand and value what is important to him. You need to believe that what is important to him is just as important to you because you are equal partners.