In the first days and hours after learning about your spouse’s affair, you may be too angry, too shocked, and too raw to have expectations of how either of you should act. But after reality has a little time to settle, we all want to see some kind of acknowledgment of wrongdoing. We want to see him make some kind of gesture of regret or regret.

Unfortunately, this is not what many wives get. Some husbands seem to go out of their way to be as unpleasant and outraged as possible. It is almost as if they believe that his wife, who did nothing wrong, deserves his punishment because she caught him. A wife might say, “My husband does not care at all that I caught him cheating. He also does not seem to care that I was hurt. He acts as if he was surprised that I was surprised. He says I was fully aware that Our marriage “He was struggling. He said I know his father cheated on his mother throughout the marriage. He said he never promised me complete fidelity.”

And he says I know he won’t let me. So you don’t understand why I’m acting so outraged. He does not apologize for this. Act like I should deal with it or get over it. He doesn’t care at all. I am so sad about this. And I’m not sure I want to save my marriage if this man is so nonchalant. I wish I didn’t care either. But I can’t help but worry. It is simply human. How can you not care at all? “

To be honest with you, I highly doubt that he doesn’t care at all. That would require him to have absolutely no conscience. And if that were true, you would have known of this lack before now. Total lack of awareness is simply not true of most people, especially people who care enough for someone to marry them, make a home with them, and have a life with them.

Be on the lookout for excuses and justifications meant to ease your guilt and pain: What your husband has said sounds like many excuses intended to lessen the fall of what he has done. You may even be trying to convince yourself that your actions were understandable. You may realize that what you have done is not ideal and is just wrong, but you are trying to somehow justify it by believing that most men cheat and most marriages survive. (Most of us would argue these points, but men who have recently been caught cheating are often willing to believe this, at least for the moment.)

Denial and self-preservation are additional ways to decrease guiltt: What your husband is doing is not that unusual. It is a form of denial. And it is also a form of self-preservation. It’s easier not to judge yourself so harshly. It’s hard to look in the mirror and realize that you have destroyed what you and your spouse have worked for on your own. It is heartbreaking to look in the mirror and see someone who has committed that kind of betrayal. It is easier when you can convince yourself that what you have done is not so bad or is somehow understandable.

Fortunately, this often doesn’t last forever. Even people who prefer to remain in denial often come back to reality. After a while, it becomes increasingly difficult to ignore reality and stop seeing the obvious signs. Sometimes you will find that he is coming and you don’t have to do anything.

Wives sometimes tell me that their husband is never really going to care because he has gotten out of the marriage. I find that even in those cases, there is still regret. Most people find that regardless of their relationship status or circumstances, there are other options besides cheating. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that at least I think I’d be a weird person who doesn’t care at all. Sure, he may be struggling to give you (or themselves) that impression, but it rarely lasts.

Consequences will sometimes speed things up: If your spouse doesn’t come to this conclusion himself, sometimes just seeing the consequences of his actions will change his mind. Once you see that your life can’t help but change and that those you care about have been affected, you will probably start to feel how much you care and can show it. However, you may still take a stance for a while.

It really is up to you whether or not you want to be patient to see if your posture will change. Sometimes if you are going to get counseling, the counselor will help you get this out of him because regardless of what happens in your marriage, it helps to know that he realizes what he has done and that he cares about the same thing.