An older couple, let’s call them Ed and Marilyn, were living a relaxed and enjoyable retired life when illness threatened their safety. Changes in Marilyn’s behavior had been noted for a few months, and a subsequent dizziness and fall landed them in the emergency room. Marilyn was found to have a brain tumor and the prognosis was not good. The surgery would give Marilyn some extra time, but she had less than a year to live. Her remaining months were spent at home in hospice care, with her devoted husband making her as comfortable as possible.

After Marilyn’s death, Ed found that he could barely function inside or outside his home. Family was not around and friends and neighbors had stopped visiting him regularly. Ed’s quality of life plummeted and it was months before he worked up the courage to seek help from a complaints group.

Within a long-term relationship is the indelible mark of dependent living. Not a helplessness, but a feeling of trust in someone who has been by your side for many years. For someone to know you as well as you know yourself. He can finish your sentences, anticipate your needs, and predict your choices in basic matters. In fact, your better half knows you so well that he can speak for you on almost any subject, and often does.

When death claims the life of one of the partners in such a relationship, much more than one person’s life is lost; the core of the other’s life is permanently changed. The two lives had become so intertwined that one simply cannot live without the other. The deep sense of loneliness is unbearable for the survivor, and regaining balance seems like an insurmountable task.

In addition to the emotional turmoil of loss and loneliness, other problems become apparent to the newly bereaved. Cognitive skills are compromised, making it difficult to think clearly about practical matters. Physical illnesses can also occur, causing general tiredness and genuine aches and pains. And the daily demands of early complaints — including notifying people, planning a service, and handling legal and financial matters — take a toll on mind and body. Ed coped with his situation as best he could, but found that he couldn’t sleep, started losing weight, and rarely left the house, as he didn’t feel the need to socialize.

There are solutions to these common but difficult problems that people face. They are simple in nature, but can be difficult to implement.
As they suffer the early pain of loss and sadness, mourners also face a society that wants them to grieve and move on too quickly. Although friends and neighbors worry, they have busy lives, and after a few weeks, they no longer call or visit as often.

An effective and loving remedy to isolation and loneliness requires only a small commitment of time from a few people. Offering ongoing comfort and support over the next several months would make a significant difference in the grieving process. Listening, affirming feelings, and initiating social outings give the bereaved the opportunity to stay connected to life, while gradually letting go of their loved one.
An article in Nursing, Jul92, vol. 22 Number 7, “When a Spouse Dies,” by Richard E. Waltman, MD, states that “Our society doesn’t allow older people to grieve properly and doesn’t help them deal with the ongoing strong feelings they have about their deceased partner.”

In fact, we feel uncomfortable with everything related to death, dying and mourning. However, everyone will benefit if we begin to view the matter in a positive light and exercise patience and kindness. For someone in Ed’s situation, finding a friend, a counselor, or a small grievance group will give you an opportunity to express yourself and connect you with those who understand sadness and loss. Being assured that there are no parameters to the grieving process frees you from the sense of urgency to “get on with his life.” For those who wish to help, getting out of our own comfort zone will lead to better pain management for survivors and a more realistic view for those who say goodbye and move on. The healing process is nurtured by whoever asks about the deceased person and helps them remember, not forget.

The end of a long-term relationship also brings with it everyday problems that can be alleviated or resolved by extended family members, if they are around. For Ed, living alone brought more problems and stress to deal with. He now had to do all the housework that he had done for his spouse, including house cleaning, meals, and laundry. There were financial and legal issues, and decisions about what to keep and what to give away. Trying to maintain his sense of balance increased his anguish as Ed tried to keep up with the demands of the home while coping with his emotions. Asking for help is not easy, especially for men, but there comes a time when an extra pair of hands is necessary. If there’s no one to help, hiring someone is a reasonable option, whether it’s a cleaning service or asking for a trustworthy teenager. While women generally approach learning new skills with optimism after a loss, studies show that men dislike even the idea of ​​housework. (Housing Studies; November 2009, Vol. 24 Number 6, p. 737-753).

Men and women respond differently to grievance issues, women are generally better able to connect with people and manage day-to-day responsibilities. They are also more likely to have single friends. However, they may have difficulty handling the legal and financial issues that arise after a death.

Men may feel uncomfortable in social situations because their wives usually plan their activities and invite friends over. The man who is retired from his life’s work and has lost his longtime partner has no loose ends and doesn’t know where to start. For any of these people, grieving will be a painful process and must be given the time he needs.

Being open about your needs and feelings, connecting with people who are responsive, getting help when you need it, and reaching out for support from others who are grieving will help put your feet on solid ground. With hope and confidence you can begin to live the new life that arises.

The death of your life partner Finding your balance after loss
By Judy Strong