Unresolved interpersonal conflict can be characterized as a duel (where the goal is to win) rather than a dialogue (where the goal is to give and receive information).

In conflict, individuals cling to very different ideas or positions. They are aware of what the other party wants because it is usually the opposite of what they want.

This deadlock will not be broken until opponents depersonalize the conflict so that they can enter into a dialogue to discover the reasons, or interests, that have led to their respective positions. To achieve this understanding, people will need to ask themselves questions and actively listen to the answers. Once they know what each person really needs, they can work together to find a solution that meets those needs.

There are three basic steps to constructive dialogue:

1. Depersonalize the interaction.

People’s problems are often at the root of conflict. This is often due to misunderstandings and / or mistrust, as a result of real or perceived past interactions. It is important to put past history aside and depersonalize individual differences in order to establish the objectivity necessary for effective collaborative problem solving. Be careful not to personalize the situation. At the very least, you want to maintain a good enough working relationship to produce an acceptable agreement, if possible, given the interests of each party.

Example 1: An employee wants permission to work a second part-time job at another company. The manager is not satisfied with the request because he has had previous dealings with that company that were very unpleasant.

The manager will need to put aside his negative feelings about the other company in order to objectively consider the consequences of accepting the employee’s request.

Example # 2: The company’s budget only has enough to fund the request of a single department. Two managers compete for that financing. These two managers have been continuously at odds. One has accused the other of driving away its two best employees. The other has complained that employees in the other department have not responded to the needs of their employees. Ultimately, they have a very negative past history..

At least one of the managers should put aside their past history to depersonalize the situation so that you can start a calm and objective conversation about your respective needs.

2. Discover the underlying interests.

The goal is to satisfy people’s underlying interests. This includes your underlying motivations, needs and concerns, fears and aspirations. The only way to identify those interests is by asking questions and really listening to the answers. Each side has multiple interests, and the most powerful are basic human needs. If people focus on only one position, it can obscure what they really want and limit their ability to invent options for mutual benefit.

Example 1: Instead of making assumptions, the manager asks the employee why he wants to take the second part-time job at the other company. The employee explains that she interest at work it is purely financial. She assures the manager that she enjoys her current full-time job, but recent personal matters have exhausted her resources.

The manager wants to provide support. She is a valued employee who has been handling additional temporary assignments with great competence. its interest it is to keep him performing at that level. She fears that working both jobs will tire her and her performance will suffer as a result.

Example # 2: The manager who is initiating the conversation explains the financing needs of his department, which is a new printer / scanner / fax. When you ask the other manager to tell you what your department needs, you learn that you need several new computer terminals. She keeps asking why she needs the new terminals. He responds that his department is accepting several interns for the semester. its interest It is in seeing that the interns have access to computers to do their work. Next, ask how long the interns will need to spend at the computers. Respond that they should submit weekly reports, as well as summaries and conclusions for use by permanent staff.

When he asks her what’s wrong with her department’s current printer, she explains that when her staff need to use a color printer to create training materials. The existing printer is black and white only. She interest is that your staff has a color printer at their disposal when they need it.

3. Create mutually acceptable options.

It is important to separate the process of creating possible agreement options from the decision process between those options. To invent creative options, it is necessary to expand the options on the table rather than looking for a single answer and seeking mutual gains. Look for shared interests and different interests to fit in.

Example 1: The manager knows that the employee’s reason for wanting the second job is financial. The manager also knows that he wants his performance to continue at the current level. Now you can begin to identify other options that will benefit you financially.

These options include: providing incentive pay; improve your position so that your salary increases; create a higher-level position that formalizes the additional functions that you now perform; etc. Either of these options could satisfy the interests of both the employee and the manager.. He will meet with human resources to determine which option will be most feasible and then assure the employee that her financial needs will be met without her taking the second job.

Example # 2: Now that both managers understand each other’s needs, they can work together to try to find a solution that satisfies both of them. They brainstorm possible options: each department takes half the money available and then finds another way to make up the difference; or each manager considers less expensive equipment.

Perhaps your department could coordinate with hers to give her access to her color printer, while her department loaned her several computers that are currently available because a hiring freeze has left her with open positions. By the time you can fill your positions, the interns will be gone. This option appeals to both, because it will free up the funds to address some business needs that affect both departments.