“When we give each other compassion, we are opening our hearts in a way that can transform our lives.” ~Kristin Neff

Ongoing sadness over the death of our loved one is deeply taxing and can easily crush our spirit. However, it is a normal part of confronting the massive pain and emptiness that seem to continually surround us during grievance. Grievance often makes us think about why we are here as we examine our beliefs about a Higher Power and the justice of life. At some point, we sometimes wonder if we can take it all anymore and wonder if it will ever stop.

The duration of deep sadness depends on our internal programming and our final decision to make the transition to a life without the physical presence of the loved one. At the right moment, and you have the inner wisdom to know that moment, you’ll want to take a break from your grievance and recharge. This is a wise and healthy decision so that you can resume other parts of your complaints work and not fall victim to a compromised immune system and the illness that follows.

So what can you do? Essentially, how can you temporarily shift your attention away from your great loss and into a relaxed, regenerative state? Here are seven ideas to get you started. Then, using your inherent creativity, you can add some of your own reminders. The main point is: Refuse to grieve 24/7.

1. Commit to change. Any worthwhile goal-directed effort must start with a constant self-talk with a purpose. Here we make a promise to ourselves that in order to preserve our health, our sanity, and our energy, we will take a series of regular breaks. We deserve it and we have the power to carry it out with a 100% commitment. Believe that unless you are determined to make some specific changes, you will not be able to learn to live in the moment and adapt to the new circumstances of life.

2. Use a special object or symbol as a motivator. It could be a logo of your choice, a trinket, a zipper fastener, a special coin, something that is your own personal reminder to think differently. Choosing what will be the different thought is fundamental. Make it something that warms your heart or makes you appreciate or feel gratitude for what you still have. Put the object in a place where you walk by it two or three times a day and let the bell ring that shifts your focus to something that relaxes you.

3. Post a meaningful quote in your notebook or organizer. Here’s one of mine from over 50 years ago: “The determining factor in life is not ability, it’s what you think you can do. You can expand every aspect of your being if you dedicate yourself.” You have complete control over a thought you choose. Find your meaningful quote and place it in your organizer on a special card. Or take the card and use it as a bookmark. As soon as you read your quote, take action, do something; Say something to reprogram one of your subconscious beliefs. Remember that you are starting a new life, the next chapter, so be open to new thoughts, ideas and experiences.

4. Put a picture of a beautiful scene or memory-triggering event on the screen or on the back of your iPhone case. Place another one in front of your computer so that when you turn it on the meaningful image will appear. Before choosing an image, review the images on your iPhone and computer, or grab some new ones, specifically to use as reminders to grow and not waste the experience you’re striving for. The greatest waste is to stop loving. Increase love for the person who is no longer with you and for everyone you interact with, including yourself. Taking a break from sadness is self love in action.

5. Put a personal care directive in your shirt pocket, wallet, or purse. Make up a reminder or self-motivation like, “Hey, take a break” or “Be nice to yourself: take time out.” If you find yourself in a place where you can’t make a quick change, take several deep diaphragmatic breaths and gently say to yourself, “Release, you are worthy and good.” You will be helping your blood pressure and reducing stress. Deep breathing is arguably the most powerful antidote to stress and can be done almost anywhere.

6. Put a sticky note on the bathroom mirror or bedside table. Notes to yourself are healthy and therapeutic, as is writing down your feelings. Think of something funny that you would like to say to yourself or a saying that will lift your spirits, especially at the beginning of the day. Here are a couple I use: “I’m strong” or “I’m having a great day.” (I say they’re funny because I’m 79, but I believe what I tell myself.) try: “I matter” or “Change your thoughts and you will change your life” or “Giving, loving, serving are all great purposes.” Repeat them at least a dozen times and mentally visualize yourself doing what you are saying. Link your words to an image of you doing or being.

7. Put a reminder on your car’s dashboard or visor. This reminder can be an object or a word that only has meaning for you, if you don’t want others to know what you’re doing. If your reminder is something that could be helpful to others, or you don’t care if they know it’s one of your ways of dealing with grief, that’s fine too. On the dashboard of my car, I had a special little plaque made that says, “Outtalk Negativity.” You might want to put in something that suggests this important understanding: “Take off your mask.” That is, act as you are right now. You don’t always have to wear your nice mask that you’re doing well when you’re around others. We all wear masks, whether we are grieving or not, and we need to take them off frequently.

Finally, let me re-emphasize the need to find your own particular ways to allow yourself some down time as you grapple with your great loss. Every complaint counselor on the planet would recommend this type of self-care. Make it part of every day, starting today. Oh yes, this is all work, hard tort work. The results will not come instantly. Just keep training yourself to hold on.