I get a lot of mail from wives trying to get their husbands to come home. Sometimes, I get news from those who made this happen. Most are excited, but some are not. Sometimes when a husband finally returns, it soon becomes very clear that he is not so happy to be there or that he is not really interested in saving the marriage. And in these cases, it’s an ironic win because you have him at home where you want him, but he’s just going through the motions and not really there at all.

I recently heard from a wife who feared that her husband had only come back to her out of guilt and pity. This worried her greatly because, although the husband had returned and moved into her house, he was really only interacting with her children and practically ignoring her wife. She said, in part: “For the three months my husband was gone, my only goal was to get him home. I thought if I could lure him or lure him back home, our problems would end. For the first two months, I didn’t want to have nothing to do with this. He made it clear that he was happy to be apart. Then, without prompting from me, my kids started telling him how much they missed him and how sad they were that he was gone. Recently, my mother-in-law came over and saw that our yard had not been maintained and my children were no longer happy and loving.So,I made the mistake of telling her that I was behind on our bills.Well,she must have reported this to my husband because in two days,he came home with no announce himself with his bags in tow. We never discuss why he came home, but it’s clear that while he’s happy living with the kids, he doesn’t have much interest in me. We haven’t had sex or really any physical contact since we he came back. We ca discuss why. and he is here and what he wants to happen. He’ll make little comments like ‘clearly you’d never make it on your own’. He really wanted her to come back, but not like this. What am I supposed to do when I’m pretty sure he just came back out of guilt or obligation? I don’t want him to leave again, but I don’t want this kind of marriage either.”

This is a heartbreaking 22 catch. Sure, he’s back, but he’s not quite there. And he’s not willing to work on the marriage, so it’s clear that you’ll only get a fraction of it back. As difficult as this is, I really feel like it may be better than the alternative of him still being out of the house. While this situation isn’t ideal, it does give you a man who is physically present, making it easier to save your marriage than if you were still living in a separate roof.

Try to focus on the fact that He returned so that you can move on without dwelling on the reason for His reluctant presence: I know it’s very hard to ignore the obvious, and I’m not suggesting that you should pretend everything is fine. But, at the same time, if you continue to think only of the unfortunate reason you suspect brought him back to you, then you are holding back your progress and your attempts to save your marriage.

It’s best to focus on making the best of the situation so that you can gradually gain his cooperation and make him glad you’re back, no matter what really got you to this point. I know from experience that it is possible to save your marriage when only one person is committed to or interested in doing it, especially early in the process. So I’m not convinced that you always need your husband fully on board in the initial stages of saving your marriage. You will find that things become much easier once he starts to change his mind and eventually to be cooperative and receptive to you. But in the beginning, at least in my experience and opinion, this is not always a requirement.

There is a lot you can do to start improving your marriage and intimacy without their involvement. Often, he will have no idea that you are doing this, which can be a positive because when he doesn’t know what you are doing, he is less likely to try to resist or block your attempt to progress.

Saving your marriage while your husband is only physically present but not truly cooperative: So what can you individually do to save your marriage? You can start by creating a positive environment. It was obvious that while the husband was happy when he was with his children, he was quite moody with his wife because tension and discomfort were at stake. This had to change because otherwise the husband would continue to avoid the wife and would eventually associate her presence with discomfort and other negative images.

So I felt it was important for the wife to remain upbeat and personable, even if she felt like this was all just for show. This change is likely to attract the attention of her husband, although at first she hesitated and resisted. And while I could tell the wife wanted to have lengthy discussions about why she left, why she came back, and where the marriage went from here, now was not the time to do so. Her marriage was already on very shaky ground, so continuing to analyze or challenge it probably wasn’t a good idea. You can usually delay this until you’re both committed.

Your real goal is to decrease tension, create a sense of cooperation, and make your home a place you both want to be. If that means stepping back for a while and focusing on the small things you can control while this transition occurs, there’s nothing wrong with that strategy. Sometimes, you have to see that this is more of a process than an immediate goal. And while it’s true that her husband initially came back to you out of guilt, the most crucial fact is that he’s back and now is the time to make the most of it. So show him a spouse who is easy to relate to, who doesn’t constantly question his motivations, and who is willing to exercise patience and restraint as this process slowly evolves and improves. Eventually, the idea is that as small improvements occur, he becomes less and less resilient, so that he is finally fully committed and willing to work with you to save your marriage.