Ladies, I’m going to start this article with an admission: I’m a shopaholic! Shopping for shoes is one of my favorite hobbies. Later, during one of my shopping excursions, I received the meat for this item. In one of my favorite department stores, I found a pair of simply gorgeous, pointed toe brown “branded” ankle boots with a slim 3-inch heel, which by the way, were on sale. To my surprise, on the same shelf, there was an identical pair of “unbranded” brown ankle boots that were priced fifty percent less. I tried them on, they were both equally attractive and looked comfortable. The main difference was that the “brand” was made of leather, and the “no-name brand” was all man-made material. In fact, leather was more flexible, supple, and softer; however, I chose to buy the one that would save me the most money.
The next day, I put on my “unbranded” boots and headed out to a busy work day followed by an eventful social night that required me to stand for several hours. In the middle of the day, I started to regret my decision to buy the “unbranded” shoes. My feet started to hurt a lot! The longer he stood, the tighter this man-made material began to feel. I started thinking about how soft and flexible “brand” shoes felt on my feet and started thinking about one of the characteristics of leather. Leather generally softens as you wear it, rather than tightening. Oh how, I really wished I had spent the extra dollars to buy the name brand shoes because it cost me more in other areas in the long run. What looked good and initially felt good was now causing me great pain. I had to face the revelation that I had settled for the fake.
I decided to go back and buy the “brand name” shoes, but you guessed it: they were no longer available. Ladies, how many of us have “missed opportunities” to experience the real because we settle for the false?
During one of my conversations, with my spiritual mother, Eloise Rump, about my desire for companionship, she said, “Baby, be careful! The counterfeit always comes before the real thing!” I chuckled and said, “Well, the real thing is really waiting for me soon because I’ve had several encounters with counterfeits. Little did I know that the ‘ultimate forgery’ experience was just around the corner!
Ladies, have you ever met the man you thought was your “soul mate”? It had all the makings of your “romantic wish list.” You know that “must-have” checklist we mentally pull out when we meet a man! The first and most important requirement on my “wish list” is spirituality: you must have a relationship with God. Well, this man “quoted the scriptures” and spoke affectionately about the Lord. Ladies, I enlightened that the mere quotation of Scripture is not an infallible indication that a person has a “personal” relationship with God; the true indication is if that person lives / abides by what they speak ”. Call me Missouri, show me, just like tell me!
My second requirement is that I have a fairly decent job. Well, he had an exceptionally high six-figure salary, so that requirement was exceeded. He certainly had the best personal possessions: a nice house, a fancy car, and other nice amenities as well. Although I love pretty things, this requirement is not at the top of my list. However, at this point in my life, financial security is important to me, and he apparently met that requirement.
Of course, my third requirement is that I prefer him to be handsome. I feel like I am an attractive sister, so I want someone to compliment me. I know it sounds like vanity, but please admit, ladies, most of us dream of having a Denzel Washington or Shemar Moore in our lives. Remember, this is my “wish list”. Ladies, I must tell you that this man is fine, fine, fine. To me, he has facial attributes comparable to Denzel Washington, but a darker shade and Ving Rhimes physique – both on my “beauties” list! (I’m single, I can dream!)
Last but not least, one of my main attributes is that my potential partner has to be a great conversationalist. I love good conversation, it stimulates me when a man can express his feelings to me! I love a man who has confidence and self-assurance. I love a man who is wise and implants pearls of wisdom that enrich my life. Well ladies, this man stimulated me intellectually with his extensive knowledge of national, international and cultural affairs. OMG it looked perfect, like my “no name” brand of boots. But as time passed, I realized that what appeared to be “perfect” was actually a fake.
The first revelation was that although this man seemed bold and confident, and as if he was completely in charge of his life, he was carrying a baggage from his past. A man who has not forgiven, forgotten or forgiven his past, will not free himself to start something new. He has not given himself permission to love again without inhibitions, as he loved before “one” hurt him. In fact, he has made a vow that no one will get close enough to him to EVER hurt him again, as she did, which is why he is encased in a protective shield. It has what I describe in my first book The Art of Forgiveness: Turtle Mindset. He only pokes his head up to a point and then retreats or flings the red warning flag when he finds his affection too deep. His behavior is inconsistent: one day he is affectionate, kind, smiling and chatting. However, without warning, you don’t hear from him for days; he doesn’t call you, he doesn’t email you, he doesn’t text him, nothing. Face it ladies, you can’t compete with a ghost. Yes, I said ghost! Merriam Webster (online) defines “ghost” as the spirit of a dead person, especially one believed to appear in bodily likeness to living people or to haunt former habitats. Answers.com defines “ghost” as a returning memory or image.
What I’m trying to say is when you interact with this person; there are actually three people always present: you, him, and her (the ghost). Although the relationship appears to be dead, the memories of her are very much alive. This looming image of her, and the residue of pain that she previously imposed, returns, haunts him, and affects his potential relationships. There could be a look, a word, an action, without your knowing it, that can make you retreat to that shell because it looks like “her.” An attempt to validate your actions may sound like, “I’m happy with my life as it is, I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself, and I’m at peace with that!” Another explanation, “I went out with” my boys “to throw some hoops”. My interpretation of these excuses is “I like you and I am afraid that you will get too close and hurt me the way she did; I cannot let that happen so I prefer to avoid contact with you and spend time with” my guys. “., or in the case of my fake, he spent time with his son. Both incidents, whether spending time with” the boys “or with a child, is a throwback to safety and does not require taking risks with his feelings. We see the throwback as a rejection, which takes us on an emotional mental roller coaster because we don’t know what to do with this sudden change in behavior of the unresolved issues that you are carrying and that you have not communicated to you, that is, verbally anyway .
In any case, unless you are trying to commit to the relationship; there is no REAL relationship; it’s false; And before you know it, it will start to make you uncomfortable, just like my unbranded shoes. The longer you stay in the situation, the more tense it will become. The tighter it gets; more pain and pain you will feel. But if you wait for the “real thing”, it will be soft and flexible, and it will be a pleasure to be around. No relationship is free of problems; But when you have two committed people who are ready and willing to work together, free of baggage and ghosts, you have a comfortable fit that will last. Ladies, don’t settle for fake. As the latest duos, Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell put it: There’s nothing quite like the real thing, baby! Wear the right shoes for the trip!
