When your husband tells you that he is leaving and moving for a while, there is a real tendency to assume that because of this, your relationship is going to deteriorate. We worry that things are uncomfortable or cold between us. We worry that we will fight more and connect less.
However, this does not always happen. Some couples find that they get along much better during separation. Some get along so well that they try to reconcile, assuming they will continue to fit together perfectly once they get back together. But the magic is not always there when they live together again. And it can be difficult to figure out why.
Someone might ask, “Why do my husband and I actually get along and seem to like each other so much more when we don’t live together? My husband was the one who decided he wanted to move out. Honestly, I struggled with him. Very hard on this. My parents are in it. divorced and ‘living apart for a while’ is totally how their divorce started. My dad said he would just move out for a while and then come back. Of course he never came. My parents got divorced shortly thereafter. So I panicked when my husband wanted to leave. I assumed that would mean a safe divorce. I was very surprised when he was actually more caring and loving to me while we were apart. to meet regularly and when we did, it was almost as if we were dating again. We enjoyed each other’s company. We laughed like we hadn’t in years. So of course, after a while, I pushed for him to move. And it was a disaster. It was like backing up the block and revisiting. tar our struggles. So he finally moved back in and the transformation took place again. We get along wonderfully only when we don’t live together. But when we try to get back inside, everything falls apart once more. Why? “
I can only give you what are essentially opinions and theories. And this only comes from listening to other people who have been through this and seeing recurring themes. In fact, my husband and I struggled to get through a lot of time during our separation, especially in the beginning. But I think some couples get better for a couple of reasons.
A separation is often the first real break you’ve had: Sometimes people behave their best during a separation because they don’t want to lose their spouse and they want the separation to go well. Also, there is often less stress as both people are no longer living under the stressful situation that caused the separation in the first place.
But things don’t always change: Because of this lull in tension, it’s easier to get along and connect without the burden of living with stress-causing issues together. And while it is wonderful that there is an improvement after moving in, this improvement sometimes leads people to think that they don’t need to address or change anything. They are having such a good time that they reason that if they returned now, the good times would continue.
Of course, they soon realize that nothing has really changed. Once they live together again, they follow the same life, the same marriage, the same script, the same course of conflict, and the same lack of resolution.
No wonder it’s the same as ever. When they no longer lived together, they no longer faced conflict regularly. And of course, if you put people under the same roof, there is no way around conflict. And it is not always easy to live with someone else. Anyone who has ever had a roommate of any kind can tell you.
None of this means you can’t fix it. (By the way, there are some couples who live apart full time who are very happy with this arrangement. There are marriages that thrive this way. But it only works if both people want it.)
Things you may want to try: There are a couple of things you may want to try before you begin to believe that you and your husband will never successfully live together. Wait a longer period of time before trying to live together again. Identify the triggers that make living together difficult and work tirelessly to address and then fix them. Sometimes you can’t fix this yourself, which is where counseling comes in if you need it. This is your marriage we’re talking about, which means it’s worth giving yourself permission to do whatever it takes to save it.
Once you think you’ve solved your problems, don’t re-enter suddenly or out of nowhere. Start with a few days at a time or on weekends. When you are successful with that, lengthen the time your spouse stays until you feel like you are living together again and are confident that it will really work out this time.
If you are doing this gradual method and a conflict arises, don’t be discouraged. Be glad you saw these hurdles and now you have a chance to fix them before I return full time. Whenever something comes up, fix it, until there are long periods of time together where you are successful.
Do this for long enough and the process will become easier and smoother, so that when you return, you can both be sure that it will really work in the long run.
