Manipulative people are a real headache. I know that everyone does it to varying degrees. But like many problems in life, it is usually of degree.

When you come across someone at the higher end of the handling bell timing curve, it’s a real headache. Worse, what if you are at the upper end of the distribution curve for people’s susceptibility to manipulation? Well then you have a match made in both heaven (for the manipulator) and hell (for you).

The problem is that many people are very manipulative or controlling without really realizing it. They mostly do it instinctively. Controlling your partner makes you feel safe. Challenge their control and they’ll get stressed (a nice change for you at least). But then they will increase their attempts to control you even more.

There are many reasons why people want to control and manipulate. One reason (among many) is that the controller is trying to mold you into who they want you to be.

Now I know that many married men will think the old line “men want their wives to remain as they were when they married, and women want to change the men they marry into what they think they should be.” This is actually a two way street. Both men and women can have too strong desires to fit their partner into the mold of the person of their dreams. When this happens, they can become controlling and resist your attempts to be yourself.

Now, I’m not talking about a wife trying to make her partner less lazy, or a man trying to make her partner more direct about what she wants or feels (‘if you loved me, you would know’).

I mean people who constantly undermine your true self. One sign is that your partner is constantly criticizing everything you do, even when most of it is pretty good. Worse still is when they tell you and other people what they feel and what they think. What you should be doing, who you should see, and what you should be wearing. The archetypal control freak.

An analogy to try to put a couple in a mold is the teddy bears and dolls of our childhood. Teddy always knew what we really wanted and how to behave. Teddy was always the true constant ‘person’ who always cared and behaved the way they were supposed to.

Imagine if one day Teddy responded and said, “No, I don’t want to do that, I want to do this.” Uh oh. Teddy is no longer the perfect, nice person. This is a bit of what it’s like for many manipulators and controllers when their ‘teddy’ wakes up and tries to assert its independence a bit more.

Bad teddy (Such a simple line makes us gulp nervously!)

Another form of control relates to Goldilocks. Remember how Goldilocks toured the bear’s house looking for the ‘perfect’ fit. Well, many people carry some kind of image of the “perfect” person.

And no girls, I don’t mean every guy wants a blonde bombshell with big “knockers”, an overwhelming desire to clean and cook, and a great inheritance. Or that women want someone who is sensitive but tough, rich but spends a lot of time doing things around the house, is a mind reader except when you don’t want them to, and has no interest in looking at other women once they discover the magnificent you.

I mean the drivers are trying to push you into the mold of what they want. As people grow in maturity, they must recognize and embrace the good and the not so good (at least for them) in their partner. Sure, discuss openly and work on the most annoying or unfair attributes of each. But don’t get your partner stuck in a mold.

You have to ask: are controllers afraid of risking living with a ‘real’ person? Someone who may not do or agree with what he wants or thinks all the time. Perhaps your ‘fantasy’ persona is much more comfortable and easy. A type of stuffed animal, rubber inflatable doll or ‘Ken’.

If you think you are being controlled, begin to learn more about your own susceptibility to manipulation. Develop your assertiveness. Learn to deal with stress. And learn how and why people manipulate.

Be careful. Gaining your freedom could mean that you will lose your partner if they cannot adjust.

Be double careful if you suspect that your partner (male or female) may react in a dangerous way (aggressive or passive). Seek expert advice and help.