This was an article I wrote in Australia and given the current financial chaos I thought it might bring a smile and a bit of optimism at this time!
money and trust
I write about money from a personal perspective, as someone who has lived with scarcity, with abundance, and everywhere in between. From 1975 to 1956 I was a disciple of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (now known as Osho), and had decided to take the step of moving to his new commune in Oregon, USA. Osho simply saying, “Trust in Allah, but first tie your camel” has been like a banner that I am finally learning to read! During my life, there has been a lot of trust and not enough bondage. My initial meeting with the Trust was not balanced with good custody.
When all the money I had left (from my savings and from the sale of my house and car) was given to the Rajneesh Foundation in 1982, I deluded myself because I wanted to know what life was like without any money. Of course, I was lying (to myself). This was not a real “no money” experiment, I was just playing with my vanity, with my image of being “holy”, sacrificed in some way. There I was, with Dickon, my youngest son, moving into the commune where, as far as I knew, we would be cared for the rest of our lives!
Our community was building a city there called Rajneeshpuram. So, in truth, I had no money other than my $10 monthly Rajneesh Humanities Trust card. This was given, to those of us who were residents, as pocket money to spend as we pleased.
When the final break in that experiment came, there was, of course, a great deal of regret for not having been more practical. However, it was also the beginning of learning about Trust. Once, in the early days in Poona, I asked Osho the question: “What is the difference between not doing and laziness?” He replied that when you’re not doing it, you’re wide awake and alive; when being lazy one is fast asleep. That sums it up! In these years since 1985, little by little I have managed to begin to live the answer he gave me.
Three times since then, I have found myself penniless, or very close to being penniless. Yet somewhere deep within, Trust has held out its hand, tentatively taken at first, but gradually grasped more firmly as experience has shown me its beauty and trustworthiness. This growing familiarity with Trust has allowed me to continue to grow, move, jump, and live as fully as I know how. Confidence does not foster passivity, but courage, kind positive action, and initiative. She is always there, in the background, supporting, not directing. If you go to sleep, Trust will not help you.
An example: In 1988, in Australia, my partner Jonathan and I decided to build/create a retirement center in the country. We behave “as if”: buying a hundred acres of land with his little house, initiating the necessary rezoning, behaving with certainty, “knowing” (trusting) that what we needed to fulfill the dream would be provided. Was. Jonathan made a clear decision that the only way we were going to raise the money for the necessary building was by playing the lottery. He was totally skeptical, but he played every week with a random pick ticket. After three months, he earned approximately AUS$700,000 from two wins, five weeks apart, a staggering amount of money. I firmly believe that this came to us because he was confident that it would be so, and he put his trust heavily in the form of regular lottery tickets, while continuing all the preparatory work that was needed for the center. There was a lot of practical action, the other half of the balancing act between trusting and doing. We certainly don’t sit on our asses and wait!
Five years later, we find ourselves penniless and in debt. No, we don’t spend a lot, play or waste money. A beautiful center had been built and finished, much loved by the people who came.
However, we both lacked business experience and were not good custodians of our income or the money we had in the bank.
I, in particular, wanted the center to be perfect and did not listen to the calm voice that said: “Your task is to build the buildings, not to decide what they are for.” Of course he knew what they were for! I knew about managing growth centers right? Hadn’t he helped create one of the most beautiful growing centers on the planet?
This was a profound lesson in what can happen when pride leads to overspending and, in our case, extravagance. We were both not willing to cut corners in any way, so of course we ended up in debt.
Well, pride comes before a fall, it really does. We fell a lot, having to sell, to take care of Jonathan’s son in Perth, in the middle of a recession. So what had cost AUS$680,000 to build and equip, we sold for AUS$200,000! We left shortly after that.
When I was running a business, I forgot that it’s not always a good idea to let the heart rule the head, to let emotional concerns take precedence over practicalities. This is hard sometimes, because it’s often more fun to listen to your heart! The emotional content of our center, Wandoo Hills, its beauty, the care with which it was furnished and presented, was in large part the reason for our downfall. Our love for the place, wanting it perfect, silences the voice of good custody.
Almost 60 years old and alone, I started again. The miracle was that “losing” all that money was actually okay. He knew that the money had come with a purpose: a sincere purpose to improve life. We had honored that: the buildings had been built, had been, and still are cherished. A much-loved group room was still available for my retreats, despite having to pay rent for the venue, and these were all blessings as far as I was concerned.
It’s funny, as I write these words, I can see for the first time a parallel to my feelings about Rajneeshpuram (or the Ranch as we nicknamed it), where a few thousand of us helped build an extraordinary city. The buildings in Oregon are still there. They are still being used for a life-enhancing purpose. The fact that it is not the purpose for which most of us assume they would be used, is irrelevant. The miracle that is that place is still there and alive, still helping young people to grow.
While living in Australia, I went from unexpected wealth to what most people would call poverty. On that swing, I made a momentous discovery. Within myself, my deepest being, there is no difference: I am still who I am, exactly the same, rich or poor. I have the same fears, the same feelings, the same desires. I still laugh and cry. Only the external manifestations change, nothing essential changes at all.
I learned, through my pride, that if money is not respected, then money will not stay in the friendship. It will go somewhere else! By allowing myself to be afraid when I’m poor, I’ve learned that if money is well guarded, it will run away and never come back. Money has taught me to look at my laziness, my unwillingness to take responsibility. There is also that old chestnut: blame (financial advisers and real estate agents)! How easy to blame others for my own financial difficulties.
There is a middle path, a path of common sense, a path of action and intention. It’s not a blind trust path (as I had previously thought). It is a path of adventures and surprises. It doesn’t have to be a fighting path. It is said that the “search” is an active process, not a passive one. My attitude towards my life and its wealth is active, not passive. However, these days, genuinely, there is no attachment to the result: the journey is enough in itself. I may not always get what I want, but I know that what is needed will always be there.
Now a much older, white-haired woman, I find eating and living simple. There is no tenure. I am generous, alert and honest with my finances. Even sometimes still silly – the difference is that now I am more aware. Patience has to be learned, which is hard for an Aries person! Sometimes I have to ask for help, and that’s not easy. There is a delicate path to travel between consciousness and unconsciousness, so difficult to remain in the first and so easy to fall into the second.
I’m not suggesting that this is “the way”; Not at all. This is intensely personal to me. All experimentation has to be in the spirit of exploration. Work is no longer “just for money” or from an attitude of survival. At my age, I am lucky to be able to continue creating it. There is no difference between work and play, and this is a tremendous blessing. Any stress I feel is certainly self-generated!
Here is Trust, who has shown me that everything that happens in my life is for me, not against me. Trust was with me during my return to the UK. Fare savings and pocket money were all I had when I left Australia. However, he had no doubt that he was on the right track. They offered me lovely temporary accommodation, a job and the opportunity to move to the countryside, to finally create a real home again. This time, I have been a better custodian of what little I have. Trust has been with me every step of the way, smiling and holding my hand. Money has been one of my greatest and most faithful teachers and trust a close and loving companion.
