Are you a peace loving person? Do you avoid conflict in your relationship? Are you inclined to withdraw when someone argues with you? Your motive for retreating into silence is noble: you don’t want to cause any more trouble, and therefore it’s best to remain silent.
Have you ever looked in the mirror when you’re giving the other person the silent treatment? Look at her facial expression and her body language. It will probably make the other person feel completely powerless, angry, or frustrated, which, consciously or unconsciously, is their goal anyway. However, is silence a good strategy? Does it work for you in the long run? Does it improve your relationship? Unlikely. The person who lives with your bad mood can interpret it as a method of punishment, obstinacy, disdain, criticism, rejection or “He doesn’t love me anymore”. There will be some retaliation. You will be judged or punished in one way or another and the mutually destructive game can go on for a long time.
We all tend to read people’s body language based on our needs (the need to be loved) or what we fear (rejection, criticism) and we respond to that. It’s so easy to send the wrong message when you give someone the silent treatment: a poor investment in yourself and your relationship.
Saying nothing is also a method of communication and leaves the field open for mind reading and miscommunication. Your words represent less than 20% of what you say.
Ask yourself: What is the worst that can happen if you are honest and say what you think or feel? Instead of worrying about using the right words, focus on your tone of voice and body language. These are much more powerful than the words themselves. The moment you say something in a calm and reasonable manner, the other person is likely to give you a similar response. When you raise your voice, the other’s voice will rise. When you lower your tone of voice and speak more slowly and calmly, you are making a positive contribution to your own life and to your relationship. Communication can only improve. It is much easier to change the tone of voice than it is to change words or feelings.
How do you stop this mutually destructive pattern?
Protect yourself from emotional pain and don’t absorb the other person’s baggage, so you don’t have to hand it back to them again. Imagine that you have a bubble around you. Put a soft color that you love on the bubble. The emotional parts of the brain respond positively to that color and your brain cannot distinguish between the real and imaginary protective bubble.
Speak more slowly, lower your voice, or let your voice rise and fall gently. This strategy neutralizes the other person’s anger and frustration.
Be honest and say what you feel without blaming or shaming the other person.
You are doing this for yourself, not for your partner. Invest in yourself and try this.
