A percentage of the people who contact me about their troubled marriage do so because they are concerned about a lack of feeling, romance, or “spark” in their marriages. Sometimes they are the only ones who feel this lack. Other times, your spouse has brought up the problem or agreed that things have changed. Because of this, one or both spouses may be struggling with the decision of whether or not to leave the marriage.
Someone might say, “I’m a little sick of my marriage. My husband and I are like roommates and not even close roommates. We rarely touch. Maybe we have sex once a month. We’re nice to each other.” another and we don’t fight. But we don’t love each other passionately either. I tried to broach this with my husband in the hope that he would try a little harder. Instead of disagreeing or arguing, he just nodded and replied, ‘yes, you’ “Okay. The spark is gone, isn’t it? He didn’t offer any solutions. He just stated this as a fact and changed the subject. He didn’t want to let this go, so I asked him what he thought we should do about it. He shrugged and said maybe I should just wait it out. He said we get along pretty well and have a nice life, so why rock the boat? Especially since we have kids. I honestly didn’t know how to respond to this. My husband’s passivity leads to It’s I’m crazy Lately, I’ve started to fantasize about leaving, even though I know this is crazy. But I’m not sure what’s the point of sticking around when even my husband agrees the spark just isn’t there. I think we both deserve to be with someone we have chemistry with?
I agree that having chemistry is good and that we all deserve a satisfying relationship. I just don’t agree that you need to leave your marriage to have chemistry. I say this from experience. My husband and I separated. One of the reasons for this is that he had convinced himself that something was missing in our marriage. Surely he was right. Things had deteriorated. But with a lot of effort, we got the chemistry back and I’m so thankful that we didn’t throw our marriage away. I have several friends who did exactly that and later deeply regretted it. Some remarried and found that they had just traded one set of problems for another. No marriage is perfect. But if you’re your spouse, you’re compatible and you take care of each other, that’s the foundation you can work from.
In truth, I think it’s unrealistic to think that any marriage is going to be filled with bloody passion every day. All marriages have peaks and valleys. There are great moments. And there are not so good moments. I agree with your husband that sometimes you are rewarded when you just hang in there and hang on. Yes, you may need to reprioritize him, get out of your comfort zone, and work hard to shake up your marriage again. This is going to take time and effort. But what if it works? Wouldn’t it be great if you could have chemistry with the man you committed to for life? Isn’t this preferable to rolling the dice with someone new when you could eventually lose chemistry again and go back to square one?
It is true that some couples will try to recover chemistry and will not be successful. They may eventually need to separate or dissolve their marriage. But at least they tried. To me, it’s always worth trying to save your marriage if you can. I don’t mean to diminish the importance of chemistry or spark. But I think I’m living proof that you can get it back. This is something that can be fixed. There are marital problems that are more difficult to address such as infidelity, addiction, etc. When a couple gets along and loves and is committed to each other, then I see it as a no-brainer to try and work this out before you decide to walk away. I could see leaving if you were in a harmful situation where staying would be harmful, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. There is no fighting or animosity here, which gives you a lot to work with.
Incidentally, I see your husband’s acknowledgment that the spark is gone as an advantage and not a disadvantage. Why? Because she at least sees and recognizes that there is a problem. This is not always the case. Since the two of you can clearly see the problem and get along well, why not work together to see if you can fix it? I won’t lie. There is no quick fix. They will have to spend a lot of time together. You will have to get out of your comfort zone and maybe feel a bit vulnerable. But sometimes, if you put in the effort and take the time, you’ll find that the spark has come back in spades. And like I did, she too can learn that there is comfort in the compatible times of marriage where she may not be swinging from the chandeliers every day, but she is present and content, right next to the spouse. her. That is the reality of marriage. Some days she will feel great. And other days can be more challenging. But as long as you commit to doing your best and looking for what will make you both happy, I think this may be good enough.
