It is dark. The alarm rings and you get up and have breakfast alone. The rest of the family is still in bed. You rush to work while mentally reviewing your to-do list. Things to do at work, things to do on the way home from work, things to do when you get home. You feel stressed and exhausted before you even start your day at the office! You feel envy of your partner and your children curled up in bed and getting ready to start the day.
You turn back. It’s time to shower and gather the kids. Cook breakfasts, prepare lunches. Take the older ones to the bus stop and take the baby to preschool. There are dishes to wash, beds to make, laundry to fold, a dog to walk. All the children are out of the house and now you have a quiet moment to make the necessary phone calls. While he’s on hold with the cable company, he makes a couple of beds and picks up toys. It’s funny how later you can’t remember what you’ve accomplished while talking on the phone and doing housework. Before you have a chance to pack your own lunch, it’s time to pick up the little one from preschool. Can you imagine how nice it must be to sit at a desk, away from the demands of home, and have time set aside for lunch, not to mention using the bathroom without someone saying “Mommy!!”
In marriages where one spouse is the primary earner and the other is the primary homemaker and childcare provider, it is common to find a battle of “who is more exhausted” at the end of the day. To simplify the story, let’s say that the husband leaves the house to go to work and the wife works as a housewife. Most of the women in the “at home” situation have had successful careers before. They have put these races on hold for the good of the family. It is common for women in this situation to suffer emotionally from the loss of earning power and independence that comes from working outside the home. Men now bear the burden of the sole provider. This is also a tremendous emotional burden to bear. Many sole providers are consumed with fear and worry about how they can continue to be successful supporting their family on their own, even when the fear is unfounded.
It is no wonder that a battlefield is formed between the loving couple who so much wanted to create a happy family together. When we burden ourselves with too much “to do” and too little personal time, it’s common to look to our partner for comfort. However, instead of receiving comfort from our partner in exchange for sharing our concerns, we often listen to the list of things he did and needs to do. The jokes begin to win the battle of “Who is more exhausted!”
Enough trouble! If you can relate to this scenario, you are more than ready for a solution. Here are three simple steps:
1. Value yourself
2. Listen-Silence
3. Appreciate the partner
To appreciate yourself, you need to stop thinking about your to-dos and focus on what you did. First of all, while multitasking, it’s hard to tell what you’ve done! Starting and stopping multiple projects at once (home or office), or doing two things at once, alters the outcome of each of these things and interferes with your ability to recognize them. No matter how successful we think we are at multitasking, we perform at a much higher level of efficiency when single-tasking.
So while you’re doing a to-do, mentally stop and appreciate yourself. Take a moment to say “Great job”, “You did it”, Well done!” Tell yourself in detail, like, “Great job sticking with the cable company and lowering the monthly rate! Wow!”
Try physically patting yourself on the back, smiling at yourself in the mirror, and giving yourself a hug! You deserve it. Valuing yourself is the first step in ending the battle of who is more exhausted. You’ll start to focus on what you’ve accomplished and feel great, instead of feeling drained by what’s left undone.
The second step is to turn to your partner. Both husband and wife want to share their experiences, concerns, and joys of the day. Sit down and be present with your partner. By being present, I mean having your mind, body, and attention on your partner. Turn off your mental to-do list. To listen, we must be silent. Notice how both words contain the same letters! You can’t do one without the other. Give your spouse the gift of your silent attention and listen to their story without competition. Try a hug at the end, instead of a list of things you’ve done today. You will be giving your partner a tremendous gift and you will have your turn next.
The final step in ending the battle of burnout is to appreciate one another. Often when we’re competing over who has more to do, we don’t take the time to realize what our spouse has done to support the family. We are too busy focusing on ourselves and how tired we are. Make it a daily practice to appreciate your spouse. This is especially easy after your silent listening session. Quiet listening allows you to really learn how your spouse is feeling and what he or she has accomplished that day. Wait until you go to bed together and share with your partner how much you appreciate them. Be specific. Verbalize that you are grateful for what they have accomplished.
By appreciating yourself, listening quietly, and appreciating your spouse, you will bring peace to your marriage. You and your spouse will be there for each other and no longer have to feel like one did more than the other, or that one deserves to be more tired than the other. You may even find that you are less tired and have more energy. Try it and see for yourself!
