It’s not uncommon for me to hear of wives who go to great lengths to get their husbands to commit to saving the marriage. In many cases, the wife firmly believes that the marriage can be saved if both of them commit and work to save it, while the husband just doesn’t want to do these things. Wives often just don’t get it. I often hear comments like “why doesn’t she try to work with me to save our marriage? Doesn’t she want us to work things out?” There are many reasons why husbands give up marriages and/or refuse to try to save them. I will discuss some of these reasons in the following article.
Possibility number one: You don’t want to try to save the marriage because you have another agenda: Occasionally, spouses give up or don’t want to save the marriage because they have already moved on in their minds or hearts. Wives often assume that he is interested in or has someone else. This is sometimes true, but it is not always so. Often, once spouses have made the decision to move on very difficult, they don’t want to give it up because they don’t like feeling emotionally insecure. They don’t want to bring it up again because they really don’t think things are going to change. Of course, if you want to save your marriage, you will need to understand these obstacles and overcome them.
Wives often tell me that once they realize their husband has moved on, at least in their minds, they are tempted to give up. I understand this, but I’ve seen this situation change enough times to convince myself that this situation is rarely completely hopeless, though there isn’t always an immediate resolution.
Possibility number two: He doesn’t want to save the marriage because he doesn’t think you have to work that hard. However, “working” to save the marriage does not appeal to him: Many times wives admit to me that they approach their husbands with pleas to “work” with them to save the marriage. They will use phrases like “but if you would just work with me, I know we could save this marriage together.” Or “with just a little work, we could turn this around.”
These sentences are not false. And they are not too much to ask. But the image they sometimes arouse in husbands is not optimal. Often you would get better results if you could paint a different mental picture that means the same thing. Many times when you tell a man that you want to “work” with him on your marriage, what he imagines is that you are making him talk about his deepest feelings or telling him what he is doing wrong or where he falls short. Or, he will imagine a marriage counselor probing his deepest feelings or making what he feels are impossible demands. Usually this is not something he wants. He will see it as something that is not desirable and will shut it down or reject it altogether.
You are much better off if you ask the same thing but use different words and therefore end up with different mental images. For example, instead of using “work” or “save” language, you might consider hitting where you know the target is most effective. In other words, what did you enjoy most about your marriage when things were going well? What was your biggest reward? For many men, these are the physical aspects of their marriage. This is how men often match an emotional connection. Some men will respond with laughter or something else, but many miss physical intimacy so much.
In this case, instead of using “working on” or “saving the marriage” language, you could address it with something like, “I really miss feeling so physically connected to you. We used to give off sparks that could set off fireworks.” It was very exciting for me when we connected in that way and I would love to do it and connect with you in that way again. I really think we could go back to that place.”
Do you see how this works? You approach him where you know his coin is. Asking him to “work” or “save” is not as effective as asking him to go online.
Possible reason number three: You don’t think the marriage can be saved because this has played out before with less than desirable results: I dialogue with many men in this situation. Many tell me that they don’t commit to saving the marriage because they doubt that it can be saved. And they feel like previous attempts to save him weren’t just not that much fun, they were failures. So, they hesitate to repeat the process again with the same results.
So, you will have to overcome their apprehension and doubt. And, one way to do that is to start showing him some positive changes and improvements without him having to get involved. There are really many things you can improve yourself, without the need for his cooperation. People often doubt this, but it really is true. You have a lot of power within yourself and you can make changes in the way you approach, perceive and carry out things.
And often when you focus on yourself, you show him some real and lasting changes that didn’t cause him any pain. This is a very effective way to start chipping away at your resistance and doubts.
