Joining a dating site is like walking into a big party. There are people everywhere, happily talking and flirting. They are born party animals. Or they are drunk. Then there are shy people on the side who don’t get as much attention. Some have found at least one good person to talk to. Some haven’t been so lucky yet. Everyone is struggling to get through this big noisy experience. And wishing there was a way to know who else in the crowd might want to talk to them. It’s normal to feel, when you first join a dating site, that you’re not sure how and where to participate. So here’s a quick list of tips to get you comfortable, connected, and loving yourself as quickly as possible.

have a game plan

• Get into a routine. Have a set amount of time that you spend each day or a few times a week looking at profiles.
• Sign up for alerts to notify you when a new member who meets your requirements joins the site.
• Decide that you will communicate with a certain number of people per week; 2 or 3 is good.
• Spend time on your profile, make it really true to you.
• Ask your friends what is the most attractive thing about you. Play that into your profile, turning it into a “hook” that will lead you to the right fish.

write good messages

• When you contact someone, ask lots of questions. People love to talk about themselves, and this is your big chance to meet them. So it’s a win-win practice.
• Never send a “form” message. It’s okay to copy and paste a funny paragraph you’ve written about yourself earlier, but read your messages carefully to make sure they don’t sound canned.
• If you’re funny, include it in your messages. However, keep in mind that sometimes being funny becomes a compulsive way to hide nervousness. And doing a comedy monologue is not the same as having a conversation, it’s a bit one-sided and impersonal. So take it back if you start to sound a little hyperactive and hysterical.
• Make it obvious that you’ve really read their profile by commenting on the things they’ve said and noting what you have in common. Talk about what’s on your profile that matches.
• Write your messages when you are in a bold and fun mood. Don’t sit there and pour out your misery on past loves or how low your hopes are now. If it helps, watch a fun TV show or have a glass of wine to wind down before sitting down to write.

Be open to what happens

• Do not evaluate each contact in terms of whether or not this is The only! hardly anyone is The only That’s what he does The only so special. But many people who share your interests can end up being friends and valuable people in your life. So this is a sorting process to see what part of their world they belong to.
• Don’t reject people after just one message. Even if you don’t feel the “vibe” on first contact, keep talking with a few messages to make sure. Many people just feel very uncomfortable and have trouble being themselves when they first meet someone.