My husband’s car was only 3 weeks old when I ran over the curb and dented the bumper. I felt very bad for my carelessness. I was tempted to lie to him and tell him what happened in the parking lot while he was in a store. But I could not do it. He had never lied to her until then and he couldn’t do that to our relationship.
I had to face the music.
Here I was a certified adult with children and I felt like a criminal. When faced with having to admit my guilt, I could understand the compulsion to lie. It is so difficult to confess that you have made a mistake and a foolish thing. I can imagine how difficult it must be for children when they slip up and are met with an angry adult. He could easily imagine why they would lie.
Children don’t just lie to avoid punishment or shame. They can lie because it is convenient. They’d rather keep playing with their legos than get up and brush their teeth to lie and tell you they’ve done it.
Children also lie because it is a form of illusion. They confuse reality and their inner world with fantasy. They like to make their lives sound more exciting.
There are three ways we can promote honesty in our children:
1. Role model honest behavior:
Be sincere. Try never to lie to your children. Make sure your child listens to you by being honest with your spouse and others around you.
2. Never call a child a “liar”:
We want to avoid using negative labels with children. Calling a child a liar will only reinforce her negative behavior. Instead, if your child is lying, you can say, “You might think it was like that, and you might want it to be that way, but it wasn’t.”
3. Never push a child to a place where they have to lie down.
Be sure not to ask your children questions that will put them in a position to lie. Ask: “Who did this?” or “Why would someone do such a thing?” pushes children to a place where they have no choice. Talk about the incident in a matter-of-fact way: “Oh no, someone left all these toys on the floor. We have to clean this up right away!”
As for me, I have a new respect for children who avoid lying when they know they are in trouble. Help children tell the truth when they know their parents will discipline them right when they make mistakes. Sort of like what happened when I finally told my husband what I did to the car. He just shrugged and said, “Mistakes happen, at least no one got hurt.” Having a kind and gentle person in your life makes doing the right thing, like telling the truth, so much easier.
