There are apparently two types of battered women; those who grow up in a climate of abuse and those who grow up in functional families enjoy a healthy relationship but then become vulnerable through bereavement or another major life crisis.

Of the many, many women who have spoken or written to me over the years, I can only think of two who fall into the second category.

As different as their past relationship experiences may have been, however, in the course of their abusive relationship, the beliefs of these two groups of women become tragically indistinguishable.

This happens because abused women try very hard to learn from their relationships. They are desperate to learn what they are doing wrong so they can change it.

There are essentially two ways they learn. The first is because of what your partner says. The second is from your interpretation of his behavior.

An abusive partner quickly becomes the most influential person in your life.
He has the power to take them to dizzying heights of happiness (although the statistical odds of this happening noticeably decrease as the relationship limps along).

He has the power to plunge them into the depths of despair, and he usually does. When he does, his partner needs to explain what has happened to him. She has been constantly programmed to believe that he is a precious diamond (albeit a diamond in the rough). Therefore, the problems in the relationship cannot really be yours. That being the case, they must be hers, right?

Theoretically, there’s good news here: If the blame for what’s going wrong in the relationship is hers, then she just has to figure out what she’s doing wrong so she can change it. Then he will cast off the harshness that he sometimes exhibits and they will forever live a life of matchless joy and delight…

(Yes of course.)

Last night I saw the wonderful Derren Brown illustrate how susceptible human beings are to suspicion. He created a situation that encouraged 5 people of proven intelligence to believe that their random and senseless acts could produce the result they wanted.

Best of all, these 5 resourceful individuals became so obsessed with futile behaviors and searched for futile meanings, that they missed the solution he had displayed, quite prominently, hidden in plain sight; if only they had the attention to look. they didn’t

My guess is that you’ve probably done that in your relationship. I know I did.

These are some of the lies that blind abused women to the reality of their relationship that is hidden from view.

“Everything is my fault”. Is your partner, perhaps, a newborn baby who can shirk all responsibility for his own behavior? When he yells obscenities, foams at the mouth, punches through the wall, or worse, has absolutely no control? Are you really that powerful? (If so, how come you usually feel so helpless in the situation?)

“I’m being stupid.” Yes, you are, but not for the reasons you think. If you can completely dismiss your deep feelings of unhappiness, I must admit that it is a kind of emotional stupidity. If you’re not happy with him, the message you need to hear is that being around him makes you miserable. You can be very happy without it; once you get over the belief that you need it to make yourself happy.

“He doesn’t mean it / he doesn’t want to hurt me.” Maybe, just maybe, if he had only said the hurtful things once, that might be true. But when they become a regular part of his repertoire, you better believe that:

a) He doesn’t care what I say to exert control over you
b) refers to them

“He’s had a bad time.” Ok, so that may be true. The thing is, you do too. And you’re putting all your energies into trying to make her life sweeter. This means that you have made the decision to create something significant precisely because of your past unhappiness. Sure, it will be even better when you start to focus on doing it for yourself instead of another wounded soldier. But if you’re capable of making that decision, how come he’s not?

“I just know that we can be happy together.” So it’s funny, isn’t it, that you say this at a time when you’re feeling as low as you’ve ever felt in your life, and he has a lot to do with it. Given the chance, I know, you’ll tell me how happy you were at first. (If I had a dime for every time I heard that story, I’d be writing this from my palazzo in Venice, watching the gondolas glide up and down the Grand Canal.) But here’s the thing: your happiness spiel is the redacted version. Behind it is a less attractive story about the things that worried you about him since the word ‘go’. That is, before he went to work hypnotizing you with his silver-tongued lies about knowing you were so wonderful that you could make his life perfect. (Now there’s a tall order. If he’s not prepared to do it himself, it just won’t happen. That’s an unspoken law of the universe.)

“It has a lot of potential.” Maybe it has and maybe it hasn’t. You are not his teacher, his boss or his agent. Even less are you his father or his psychotherapist. Unless you are under the age of 16, and I sincerely hope you are not, it is your responsibility to realize your potential. Also, I really don’t think you’re talking about his potential to make it in the world. What concerns him is his potential to become a great life partner. He clearly does not share that concern.

“I’m ruining/ruined the best relationship I could ever hope for.” There are two glaring inaccuracies in this short sentence. First, the best relationship? Yes, I may have had other terrible relationships, but I wouldn’t be in a state of emotional crisis right now if this was a good relationship. You would be happy, relaxed, confident. Everything about you screams “bad relationship,” and you know it. As far as it’s the best you can hope for, that’s what he told you, right? So it must be correct. Because abusive men are never wrong. Ever. Are they? About everything. Sure, some present themselves very believably to the outside world, but you know as well as I do that within the confines of their home they have a pretty skewed view of most things.

“It’s not him, it’s me.” Well, at least you two agree on something; your hopelessness can be the foundation of a relationship, as you may have already discovered. It is certainly not the basis for a happy and functional one.

These aren’t the only lies battered women tell themselves, but they are some of the most destructive. If it’s lies you’ve been telling yourself, now is the time to seriously think about getting out. Your relationship is a pig’s ear, it will never be a silk bag. More specifically, your partner may be a frog, but he will never be a prince.

You, on the other hand, have so many generous and loving qualities. They are the ones who brought you into this relationship in the first place. They are still with you. It’s time you seriously thought about going out and washing some of your love away. You will be surprised how rich the rewards will be.

(C) 2008 Annie Kaszina