Unfortunately, the women who visit my blog have one thing in common: serious trouble is brewing in their marriages. Either their husbands have just filed for divorce, have filed for space, or have indicated that they are simply not happy and need “a break.” This is a difficult position to be in if you want to save your marriage. You are often at a disadvantage because often the husband has made a decision and is unwilling or unable to say what needs to happen to change this. He will often give you vague statements like “I’m just not happy,” “I just need time to myself,” “I’m just not sure I want to be married anymore,” or “It’s not you, it’s me.”
These things don’t really tell you anything or offer any road map. So you will often have to do a bit of detective work on your own and try different tactics to change this. In this article, I will explain the best way to handle a situation where a husband is thinking of leaving or wants to leave, but you want him to stay.
Deciphering his saying that he’s “just not happy”: Men are notoriously poor communicators. Often this stems from the fact that they are not very good at first, interpreting what they feel and second, communicating it to you. So when her husband tells him that he “just isn’t happy,” he isn’t necessarily lying or trying to be evasive. Often, he can’t pinpoint exactly what is causing his supposed distress.
Sometimes your unhappiness has less to do with you and more to do with external factors like your job, your responsibilities, and the fact that you are getting older and that life, as you imagined it, has not been what you expected. Of course, you can’t control any of these things. But feeling loved, understood, supported, appreciated, and desired goes a long way toward helping a man weather these storms. As his marriage loses its sense of intimacy and closeness, these external things are magnified and he often feels alone and adrift on a sea of ​​disappointment.
It is very important that you are able to understand this. You don’t want to come across as someone who thinks they’re being “selfish,” “self-centered,” or “wrong.” Instead, you want to come across as the loving wife who wants her husband to be happy and fulfilled and wants to help him achieve it. If you can see him as someone who is scared, emotionally vulnerable, and frustrated instead of someone who is doing something unpleasant to you, her job will be easier because she will be able to approach this problem with empathy and your interactions. with your husband will reflect this.
Deciphering Your “Dear Space”: Often when a husband says he just needs space or wants some time to himself, what he is really saying is that he wants time to think without the distraction or having to debate with him, trying to gauge where his head and mind are. heart, or trying to make him feel guilty. He thinks that silence and distance will help him see the situation more rationally and without the distraction of having to look at you and interact with you. Often he hopes that the answers are clear or that he misses you and this will indicate that he still has some feelings. All of these things can be a very good thing (whether he feels that way right now or not).
However, I suggest that you try, if you can, to get your husband to agree to take “this space” without leaving. But this requires that you commit to giving him the space without intruding or bothering him. Sometimes you can offer to spend a few days with a friend. This will allow you to stay at her house, but will still give you the distance she is requesting.
Of course, don’t keep asking him what he’s thinking or what he’s up to. Your job right now is to reassure him that you want him to be happy, agree that the marriage needs work, and tell him that you hope this space allows him to see that you are very willing to work with him to ensure his happiness, but that he is going to use this “rest” and “space” yourself.
The best scenario to change this situation and save the marriage: Ultimately what you want to happen is this. She wants to seem like the wife who respects herself and her husband enough not to demean or disrespect her enough to act in an improper way. Give him the space he’s asked for, stress that you want him to be happy, but also reiterate that you think the two of you could still be very happy together.
At the end of the day, what most men really want in this situation is this: they are going through a difficult time right now, they feel a sense of loss because the marriage is not as intimate and satisfying as it once was, and they they feel disappointed and alone. Once upon a time, your love, attention, affection and understanding was a shield against life’s disappointments. But, as both of you have more and more responsibilities and time is running out, these things lessen. There is no blame to place here. It is very common and understandable.
However, to change this, you must show your husband that despite what he thinks, the vibrant, loving, understanding, and open heart he once loved is still here, wants him to be happy, and wants to work with him. to return the marriage to what it was.
You have to play this very convincingly and it often helps to make sure he knows you are going to make the most of this “space”. To go out with your friends. Do the things you’ve been putting off. Take it easy and put a smile on his face and make sure he knows it. Because eventually, he’ll catch a glimpse of the woman he first fell in love with, and your calm understanding and new reactions will go a long way in letting him know that things can change and that you’re on his side.
