Perhaps the most sought after condition in my mind while raising my children was harmony. When they were teenagers, they would ask me what I wanted for my birthday, and harmony was often the first thing that came to mind. It seemed that the house was full of people who wanted to “be right” at the same time, all the time.
I know I contributed to that scene because “being right” was always very important to me; pulling my end of the rope and winning seemed so crucial, almost vital. I could write an entire book on the phenomenon of not wanting to be wrong, but my purpose here is just to present one of my conclusions.
Winning a battle is not the only way we enjoy being the victor. Other situations include judging when people act in ways that we think are wrong, or correcting things they do because they are not perfectly executed even though we get the desired result. The latter is analogous to not liking a wonderful gift because the packaging is not quite right. What is more important here, the content or the packaging?
One of the best examples of this can be seen with our language, especially grammar. I use this because grammar misuse can be a major hassle. Spelling and grammar were always easy for me, so I thought it was like that for everyone. My mother was so strict about correct grammar that my children often felt alienated by her constant corrections. It’s not a bad thing to look back because life offers many lessons and that was a good one for me, and an inspiration for this conclusion about the downside of “being right.” I used to join those who were seriously offended by the misuse of words as if we had been nailed to a blackboard. Don’t get me wrong (no pun intended), I appreciate words spelled correctly and used correctly, but I don’t think that’s as important as the core meaning anymore. All that correction just causes separation, and for me that never brings much peace.
In fact, the whole concept of “I’m right, so you must be wrong” always causes separation. Operating on the premise that we want to be right to the extent that we want to be apart could definitely apply here. I reached a point in my life in the last decade where uniqueness and unity indicated more than individualism. During that process, at one point I felt like I really didn’t know anything, so how could I be right? It became easier and easier to let others “win” and see how unhappy being right made me feel. Maybe I didn’t want walls to exist between me and the others first, before the compulsion to be right stopped rearing its unattractive head.
Judgment, correction, and the need to win the battle are on the same side of the coin. We all see people who seem to thrive under those conditions, and I would argue that they are usually the unhappiest, but here I am being critical again. I think I will refrain from judging or correcting them and instead offer them patience and love until they, too, can be wrong and happy. You are more than welcome to join me.
